what once made sense, turned to lies. they were all lies. I just needed to write this down. this isn't even half of the story but I keep thinking about it.

I will admit,
I was a really good kid.
I had a strong faith, and a strong conscience
I didn't care what people thought.
as I got older, I became extremely sensitive
and would take offense to things people would say
even though I shouldn't have.
I didn't even know what drugs were,
and I thought smoking was the worst and stupidest
thing you could do. I thought alcohol was also terrible.
my dad taught me many things, many of them true and
relevant to life, and many things that were completely messed up.
he was abused by his dad... in many ways, and he grew bitter towards
him for years as he told me. my opa(my dads dad) died of a heartattack
when I was 4. it's weird how I still remember more flashbacks from
back then, than within this past year.
when he died, I was under the impression that there wasn't anything wrong
with anyone. It wasn't till I was 7 or so when I found out some of the horrible
things he would do to my dad, my Oma, and my dads four siblings.
no one knows exactly what was wrong with him.. but apparently he used to talk
to fruit at supermarkets, and was a compulsive hoarder.
when my opa got older, my mom told me how my dad began defending opas weird
behavior. and acted as if he had never been abused even though all his
siblings could openly admit it.
I didn't even know this about my dad, but when he and my mom first got married,
he made her live in a shabby run down 100 year old house full of rats, which my mom
absolutely hates with a passion. she told me how he never bought her anything, except
for her birthday/christmas. I didn't realize how weird it was that he'd give her a vacuum
cleaner he found on the side of the road for her birthday one year, cause he made me
believe there was nothing wrong witg it. he tried to manipulate me into believing that
everyone who looked 'of the world' was going to hell. he would misinterpret things from
the bible, to make them seem true. he would constantly make fun of my mom behind her back
because she wore makeup and had her ears pierced. he told me it was a sin for women to wear
pants to church. I'll never forget the day we fought over it. he left the house early for church, and I showed up wearing pants. he didn't talk to me for the entire day. I got a pair of purple stretchy pants that I loved. he absolutely hated them. he wouldn't talk to me when I wore them. this was back when I was ten when I had the scary lung infection thing. I remember I was having an episode where I could barely breath. I remember him walking down the stairs and I was crying. and all he said to me was 'don't wear those pants. they're too worldly, I don't want you to become of the world.'
I learned to deal with the horrible lung infection, or so it was called. I never told him when I was having it because he told me pain was all in my head. I wondered what would happen if I just died from it one day, I wished I could see his reaction, if he'd even care because he didn't care at all then. I remember I wasn't allowed wearing shorts that went much higher than my knee. a lot of the clothes I had were handmade or sewn my myself and my aunt because I knew my dad was happy with the fact that I could sew, and I was proud of it too. I one day decided to actually go shopping for modern clothes, and got a pair of shorts. they were considered too short in his eyes. I wore them ones and he forced me to go change. the creepy thing was, how he would wear just his boxers as shorts, and would go in public like that all the time... and his boxers were shorter than the shorts I wanted to wear.
my dad grew stranger and stranger as I got older. I remember in may 2003 when my dad threw a fit.
my brother was sitting at the table, saying 'dad' over and over because dad would randomly zone out and claim he was 'thinking' and didn't hear us gradually yell his name louder cause he kept ignoring us. my dad had ignored him and then my brother said 'why can't you just listen to me with your tiny ears.' and my dad completely flipped. me and my other siblings got scared because he had these random freak outs a lot (we found out a little while later about his hidden alcohol addiction and his constant paranoia that we would uncover all the bottles he hid in the 'forbidden' garage he was constantly in.). I hated being around him when he was mad, because he was usually harmless but had a very scary tone in his voice that made him seem almost unpredictable. we heard all this screaming so we ran to the stairs (me leah and alex) and saw my dad grab my moms arm while she was trying to stop him an he was so close to breaking it. I had never seen him like this before. he grabbed my brother and carried him up the stairs and literally threw him into this bathroom that only had a bathtub in it. I was completely terrified, for him. I was so scared of my dad at that point, that after that point I didn't ever want to talk to him the same. the cops were called that day, and the police told my mom to leave him because he was unstable. she didn't because she never believed in divorce, and she always thought he would change. I thought so too.
it wasn't until November when it happened though. we were at church, and about to leave. I was tying my shoe in the corner of the gymnasiu
where the service was held. I could see my sister in the corner of my eye, as she ran up to my dad. she was young, I was 9 (I think I said it was 2003, but it was actually 2004, I just couldn't find where I said that) and she was like 6. she jumped on his back, playfully - and he completely lost it. he was screaming at her, which he never did because he was typically quite quiet at church. Leah was crying because she didn't know what she did wrong. she did nothing wrong. we all go in the van and hewas screaming at everyone. my mom told him to stop driving and get out of the van because she was worried. I was too..
I didn't watch any shows other than like, mr dressup and things like that - and I was homeschooled. I didn't know what was weird and what wasn't. the sad thing is, I can't write my emotions, cause I'm sure no one has ever felt like this before. a strange love-dislike relationship with my dad. I knew I had to love hi
, but part of me didn't like him. but at the same time, I knew that too was wrong so I didn't know what to do. my dads lies had taken a tole on me, and it wasn't till I entered the real world that I realized that this wasn't normal.
my dad told my mom he wasn't getting out of the piece of shit van he provided for the family. I started to cry, I couldn't believe this was happening. a family that I thoughthad such a strong bond, falling apart all over again. it was my worst fear for my parents to separate, much less get divorced.
my mom told my dad to stop the van, and all my siblings and I got out. I prayed and prayed that everything would be ok. I cried for hours.
little did I know, that would be the last time I ever saw him.