you're twisted
you're wicked
and I'm on to you
you can't fool me
I'm a lot smarter than I make myself out to be
you're weak
you're pathetic
you're stupid
you don't run this fucking world
you can't fool me
I know your next move

even they think I'm crazy
they want me to give up and lose control
they're got me listed to a t
like they've been reading my mind
looking things no one could ever find
I may be crazy, that don't make me insane
I may be insane, but nothing's changed

20 things that most people don't know

1. I like opera, and singing it
2. I hate sitting with my feet on the ground. I usually sit on my knees or crosslegged.
3. I love texting but hate online drama. if you can't say it to my face, don't say it at all
4. I've always wanted to live in the 20s
5. I get tired of my look really fast.
6. I've been learning German over the years and one day want to go there (and Italy)
7. I love walking. I'd walk pretty much anywhere
8. all I want is to be nice to people. and this niceness and friendliness is often considered flirting by some.. sorry people. talking amd being nice isn't flirting.
9. this is creepy, but sometimes I actually like pain.
10. the sound of nails or plastic rubbing rough material makes me want to die.
11. I had my first kiss in grade 10
12. when I was younger, I always thought of myself as a boy in a girl's body. even though I'm clearly a girl haha.
13. my favorite place in the world is oroville, Washington
14. I love to dance.
15. I listen to jazz almost everyday at some point
16. I drink my coffee black. aaawyeah
17. my favorite movies are the jerk, the sound of music, and to catch a theif
18. I can't swim
19. I have this jaw problem called tmj where my jaw gets messed up and locks and causes a lot of pain.
20. when I was little, I imagined I was black

looking out into an ocean of darkness
searching for everything I'll never find
why must I be this way
can anybody save me now

devoured by sadness
drentched in self hate
because no matter what I do
I'll always be wrong in someones eyes
faced to suffer consequences of everyone elses' lies

manipulate, it's too late
you've put yourself to shame
these wounds inside won't seem to heal
the wounds no one will ever feel

if you feel empty
if you feel alone
if you feel terrifed
welcome to my world
these thoughts they don't rest when I do
these bones don't move like I'd want them to

if you don't care, then I don't care
I'm reaching out for you
I'm reaching out for you
I'm reaching out for you

too bad you can't save me
from myself

I'm still crazy for you

I get so terribly shy when I express how I feel to someone.
I've never actually confessed my feelings for anyone before,
because no one else mattered as much.
when things may go a little wrong, I get so scared that I'll
lose you forever, but we always seem to come back together.
no one has ever made me want to try like you do
I promise, I'd do whatever it takes to make you happy,
and if this makes you happy
then i'll be happy too.

are you still breathing,
my lungs are weak and lifeless
they don't wanna breathe like they once did

I'm losing what's left of my mind
cause I've lost my heart beat
in a river of that's yet to come
the best is yet to come

I used to feel like you
I didn't want to fall in love
how you said you were afraid
nothing would last forever
but I told you that's not always real
I've always died to tell you 
you were wrong,
love doesn't always have to kill

sometimes love lasts forever

words cannot express this.
a feeling so supreme
I get so scared to fuck this all up,
that I ever doubt you.
because I shouldn't.
I'm so lucky to have you,
and sometimes my own problems take over.
I could never, ever hate you
for anything you may do.

it makes me sad to see how you're treated,
by your family, because you don't deserve to
be treated like that.

I'm trying to pave a path on my own, with no one
to really show the way. I will make mistakes, but
as far as I'm concerned, I will think of you before
myself.
I love how we're always going to be okay.
and I wouldn't change that for anything.

I know that you know how I feel about you :)
I just hate seeing you down on yourself for anything.

because you're too good for sadness.
because people suck.

you're so wonderful.
i love your mind.
I love your creativity
I love your sense of humor
I love your face
I love your body
I love everything about you.

speaking words of wisdom, let it be

I get so caught up in things sometimes.
I worry
I get paranoied
I feel out of place
I get angry, and stressed.
but so does every single person on this earth.

sometimes, it's good to just stop everything.
and just think.
things go wrong every day
but things also go right.
if you can't think of what those right things are,
then just let go of all your worries
your fears, concerns, anything.
even when I feel alone, I realize I'm not.
I realize how I overlook God sometimes, when really
he should be the center of my life. not my problems.
problems kill, God doesn't.
without him, I'd probably hate everyone too.

I over-stress.
I get worked up
and feel like there's no way out.
there is.
just let all your problems go in your head.
there's nothing better, than letting them go.

this can't be drug induced.
this is real.

looking towards the daybreak
the sun glistening in my eyes
the beauty, so vivid, so awake
what's yet to come shall arrise

the air whisps by, with a tender embrace
the breeze flows through the grass
I've never seen a nicer place
I wish this photograph would forever last

the wind, the earth, the trees
they whisper, you're loved
the birds, the squirrels, and the bees
tell a story I've once heard of

don't rush, don't rush
your glittered heart
it's beating so loud,
just breathe.

will I ever feel okay?

considering I've never really had a relationship. or anything I'm proud to call a relatioship...
I come into this expecting certain things.

to be treated like I'm not just a friend.
to be treated like I'm worth time. because that's been a huge struggle for me.
no one has ever treated me like I'm actually worth it. you are the closest to making me feel worth even anything... but I still slip into this insecurity and I have a good right to.
to be shown affection. I'm scared to always make the moves. if I always have to initiate everything, it makes me feel like I'm the only one trying.
that may not be the case, but that's how I feel.

I want to treat a girl with respect.
I don't ever want you to feel uncomfortable or awkward.
you don't need to be shy with me, because I seriously don't
judge you, and there's not a thing I don't like about you.

I wish you'd see things through my eyes.
cause after losing people I thought I cared about
I can't imagine losing someone I actually do care about.
and actually love.

sex isn't love.
I may be a virgin.. but that was by choice.
it doesn't make you any less of a person for being one.
I don't need to fuck everyone I see.

I'm not trying to prove anything to anyone.
my intentions are real.
I couldn't feel this way about just anyone.

I have never loved anyone else, that's how sure I am with my feelings.
it scares me sometimes
but I know that in order to ever be loved back
I need to put myself out there.
and I have. and will do whatever it takes,
to make this work.
my stupid little insecurities may try and slow me down
but I can get over them.

I've never been happier.
with anyone.
than you.

and I'm not afraid of anything really
except for anything to fall apart

I hate how you think you have flaws.
because your insecurities are adorable.
because there's actually nothing wrong with you.
you're so cute.
I love you

what once made sense, turned to lies. they were all lies. I just needed to write this down. this isn't even half of the story but I keep thinking about it.

I will admit,
I was a really good kid.
I had a strong faith, and a strong conscience
I didn't care what people thought.
as I got older, I became extremely sensitive
and would take offense to things people would say
even though I shouldn't have.
I didn't even know what drugs were,
and I thought smoking was the worst and stupidest
thing you could do. I thought alcohol was also terrible.
my dad taught me many things, many of them true and
relevant to life, and many things that were completely messed up.
he was abused by his dad... in many ways, and he grew bitter towards
him for years as he told me. my opa(my dads dad) died of a heartattack
when I was 4. it's weird how I still remember more flashbacks from
back then, than within this past year.
when he died, I was under the impression that there wasn't anything wrong
with anyone. It wasn't till I was 7 or so when I found out some of the horrible
things he would do to my dad, my Oma, and my dads four siblings.
no one knows exactly what was wrong with him.. but apparently he used to talk
to fruit at supermarkets, and was a compulsive hoarder.
when my opa got older, my mom told me how my dad began defending opas weird
behavior. and acted as if he had never been abused even though all his
siblings could openly admit it.
I didn't even know this about my dad, but when he and my mom first got married,
he made her live in a shabby run down 100 year old house full of rats, which my mom
absolutely hates with a passion. she told me how he never bought her anything, except
for her birthday/christmas. I didn't realize how weird it was that he'd give her a vacuum
cleaner he found on the side of the road for her birthday one year, cause he made me
believe there was nothing wrong witg it. he tried to manipulate me into believing that
everyone who looked 'of the world' was going to hell. he would misinterpret things from
the bible, to make them seem true. he would constantly make fun of my mom behind her back
because she wore makeup and had her ears pierced. he told me it was a sin for women to wear
pants to church. I'll never forget the day we fought over it. he left the house early for church, and I showed up wearing pants. he didn't talk to me for the entire day. I got a pair of purple stretchy pants that I loved. he absolutely hated them. he wouldn't talk to me when I wore them. this was back when I was ten when I had the scary lung infection thing. I remember I was having an episode where I could barely breath. I remember him walking down the stairs and I was crying. and all he said to me was 'don't wear those pants. they're too worldly, I don't want you to become of the world.'
I learned to deal with the horrible lung infection, or so it was called. I never told him when I was having it because he told me pain was all in my head. I wondered what would happen if I just died from it one day, I wished I could see his reaction, if he'd even care because he didn't care at all then. I remember I wasn't allowed wearing shorts that went much higher than my knee. a lot of the clothes I had were handmade or sewn my myself and my aunt because I knew my dad was happy with the fact that I could sew, and I was proud of it too. I one day decided to actually go shopping for modern clothes, and got a pair of shorts. they were considered too short in his eyes. I wore them ones and he forced me to go change. the creepy thing was, how he would wear just his boxers as shorts, and would go in public like that all the time... and his boxers were shorter than the shorts I wanted to wear.
my dad grew stranger and stranger as I got older. I remember in may 2003 when my dad threw a fit.
my brother was sitting at the table, saying 'dad' over and over because dad would randomly zone out and claim he was 'thinking' and didn't hear us gradually yell his name louder cause he kept ignoring us. my dad had ignored him and then my brother said 'why can't you just listen to me with your tiny ears.' and my dad completely flipped. me and my other siblings got scared because he had these random freak outs a lot (we found out a little while later about his hidden alcohol addiction and his constant paranoia that we would uncover all the bottles he hid in the 'forbidden' garage he was constantly in.). I hated being around him when he was mad, because he was usually harmless but had a very scary tone in his voice that made him seem almost unpredictable. we heard all this screaming so we ran to the stairs (me leah and alex) and saw my dad grab my moms arm while she was trying to stop him an he was so close to breaking it. I had never seen him like this before. he grabbed my brother and carried him up the stairs and literally threw him into this bathroom that only had a bathtub in it. I was completely terrified, for him. I was so scared of my dad at that point, that after that point I didn't ever want to talk to him the same. the cops were called that day, and the police told my mom to leave him because he was unstable. she didn't because she never believed in divorce, and she always thought he would change. I thought so too.
it wasn't until November when it happened though. we were at church, and about to leave. I was tying my shoe in the corner of the gymnasiu
where the service was held. I could see my sister in the corner of my eye, as she ran up to my dad. she was young, I was 9 (I think I said it was 2003, but it was actually 2004, I just couldn't find where I said that) and she was like 6. she jumped on his back, playfully - and he completely lost it. he was screaming at her, which he never did because he was typically quite quiet at church. Leah was crying because she didn't know what she did wrong. she did nothing wrong. we all go in the van and hewas screaming at everyone. my mom told him to stop driving and get out of the van because she was worried. I was too..
I didn't watch any shows other than like, mr dressup and things like that - and I was homeschooled. I didn't know what was weird and what wasn't. the sad thing is, I can't write my emotions, cause I'm sure no one has ever felt like this before. a strange love-dislike relationship with my dad. I knew I had to love hi
, but part of me didn't like him. but at the same time, I knew that too was wrong so I didn't know what to do. my dads lies had taken a tole on me, and it wasn't till I entered the real world that I realized that this wasn't normal.
my dad told my mom he wasn't getting out of the piece of shit van he provided for the family. I started to cry, I couldn't believe this was happening. a family that I thoughthad such a strong bond, falling apart all over again. it was my worst fear for my parents to separate, much less get divorced.
my mom told my dad to stop the van, and all my siblings and I got out. I prayed and prayed that everything would be ok. I cried for hours.
little did I know, that would be the last time I ever saw him.

suck out the poison

I saw you coming out the corner of my eye
You touched my face just as I started to go blind.
Now you injected all the poison into me,
You have been killing me, is that so hard for you to see?

Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Where are you now?

Suck it out.
Suck it out.
Suck out the poison.
Suck it out.
Suck it out.
Suck out the poison.

My face went numb, I couldn't move my hands or feet.
I didn't notice when you kissed me on my cheek.
I started sweating and I dropped down to my knees.
You are becoming my all time favorite terminal disease.

Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Where are you now?

Suck it out.
Suck it out.
Suck out the poison.
Suck it out.
Suck it out.
Suck out the poison.

Help me, I'm infected,
Suck out the poison.
Help me, I'm infected,
Suck out the poison.
Help me, I'm infected,
Suck out the poison.
Help me, I'm infected,

Where are you now?
I have been dancing in your veins.
Where are you now?
In two more minutes, you'll be dead.
Where are you now?
Your hollow heart will be my home.

violet skies

You and me
We're gonna be alright
We're gonna shake the ground
We're gonna smash the sky


Pulling from within to find a reason for it all
Lost for years
In the storm
Waiting for the rain to stop from washing me away
I held on tight
Awaiting night

And I lay me down to sleep
And find a world where I was free

Imagine a place
Where dreams lead the way
And all of the colors, they are grey
Imagine the dream
Now close both your eyes
Fall into the violet skies

Deep inside your eyes it shows
You've been lost for too long
Out of touch
On the Edge
I promise you will find a way
I found a pathway home
I'll carry you
You're not alone

So now I lay us down to sleep
I found a world where we are free

Imagine a place
Where dreams lead the way
And all of the colors, they are grey
Imagine the dream
Now close both your eyes
Fall into the Violet Skies

You and me
We're gonna be alright
We're gonna shake the ground
We're gonna smash the sky

You and me
Together we ignite
We're gonna claw the moon
We're gonna ride the night

Imagine a place
Where dreams lead the way
And all of the colors,they are grey
Imagine the dream
Now close both your eyes
Fall into the Violet Skies

It's come to a crazy point
Where nothing seems to matter like it used to
Even the ones I love let me down continueously
Without even doing a thing
Maybe I should be on drugs
Maybe I shouldn't try to change
I'm so weak
Pathetic
and tired.

there's nothing I'd rather do, than spend all my time with you

I'm not even afraid in the least, to say that I have fallen very in love with you.
every time I see you, I realize that I must be the luckiest girl ever to have you, and
call you mine. I know you may not see it, but I always get scared that you'll realize you can do better or something. I have never felt more comfortable, secure and loved with anyone before, and I wouldn't change a thing. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather be witg, and I don't even want to think about being with anyone else.
cause no one else exists to me,
like you do.
girl, you've got me going crazy in the most amazing way.
and I love it

Would they do this all for me?

The blinded wouldn’t understand

The deaf man couldn’t see

To feel loved and in demand

The only way I’ll get know

Is to be knocked down again

The only way I’ll grow

Is to be strong enough to get back up

Remember my intentions

To be the one to show

The determination to stay alive

There is no further beauty

Than the ones of everything we loved

Living with no other duty

Than to love each other

Stand on the ground

Let good times come round

i'd like to be here right about now

I’m in a room of love,

Feeling full of hate

Hearing screams from above

Taking each change to relate

I don’t try to be this way

A weak heart not immune to neglect

The words I speak aren’t the words I say

I never speak too direct

If my veins could carry all the love in my heart

I’d forever have myself together,

And I’d never fall apart

These broken clocks will no longer haunt

The core of my memories

They tear away inside of me

The pattern of time is dead

When you’ve lied to yourself

And believed it instead

I wish could prove myself the realest of all

I wish I could bring myself up

And learn not to fall

Inside, all I need is your love

I may forget a lot

But in my mind you remain

Like a scar in my thoughts

Like a burn in my brain

I’ll smile because inside, I’m still happy

The sadness rises with the sunset

Too shamed to let anyone see

All my fears and regret

I’m in a room of love,

Feeling full of hate

Hearing screams from above

Taking each change to relate

he is legend - suck out the poison lyrics =]

I saw you coming out the corner of my eye
You touched my face just as I started to go blind.
Now you injected all the poison into me,
You have been killing me, is that so hard for you to see?

Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Where are you now?

Suck it out.
Suck it out.
Suck out the poison.
Suck it out.
Suck it out.
Suck out the poison.

My face went numb, I couldn't move my hands or feet.
I didn't notice when you kissed me on my cheek.
I started sweating and I dropped down to my knees.
You are becoming my all time favorite terminal disease.

Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Where are you now?

Suck it out.
Suck it out.
Suck out the poison.
Suck it out.
Suck it out.
Suck out the poison.

Help me, I'm infected,
Suck out the poison.
Help me, I'm infected,
Suck out the poison.
Help me, I'm infected,
Suck out the poison.
Help me, I'm infected,

Where are you now?
I have been dancing in your veins.
Where are you now?
In a few more minutes, you'll be dead.
Where are you now?
Your heart will be my home.

bread is one of my favorite things to eat
I could drink orange juice all day and never get tired of it
I can listen to some songs as much as I want without getting tired of them
sometimes I look at all the beauty in nature
and can't help but that God for every little molecule of it

but right now
I'm thankful for this soft bed
where I will pass out and sleep
:)

I love how every time I look you in the eyes,
my heart skips a beat
I can't help but smile a little
cause inside I can't contain

how in the midst of all my sadness,
one person can make me so happy
you're the only one who makes me forget

I love you so much
<3

oh the things I would change if I only could.

I want long hair again.
I like short hair, it just looks bad on me.
I'm sick of looking like a fucking sketchy ass scum.
I hate pretty much my whole face except my eyes
besides the fact that they can hardly see.

I've always hated my nose the worst though.
I don't remember when it started to look like that,
but I've wished to change it for as long as I can remember.
the best thing is, how my nose and teeth (my biggest insecurities)
are the only things that ever get brought up when someone tries to
insult me.
lol, I don't know why I'm still unable to accept the way I was made.

I hate how awkward I am. part of it is habit.
because of sweating a lot, being self conscious of my smile,
and just thinking that I'm someone people don't need to look at.

I HATE. when people try to joke around with me about all my
insecurities.
i know its not a big deal to most people, but I was depressed with
myself for years.

I'm in love with the most amazing girl on earth

ahhhh, I love how happy you make me.
I love how much stronger we have become
through everything,
it feels so good to hold your hand.
everytime we kiss, I get butterflies in my stomach,
but they take over my whole body. I never want our
fingers to unlock, or for our lips to draw apart.
sometimes I think love's driven me crazy
but I'm crazy for you, and I love every second of it.
I lie here in my bed, wishing you were lying next to me
where nothing holds us back from anything

do you remember that night we lay beneath the stars?
maybe you don't
but I loved it

Kayla, I love you so so soo much.
<3

what hurts the most

I wish I was better at convincing this girl, how amazing she is.
because she CLEARLY doesn't see it.

she thinks she's ugly.
but she's the only person who thinks that.
I've always thought she was absolutely gorgeous... from her head to her toes.
infact, she's the most beautiful girl ive ever known.. and ever want to know.

she thinks she's fucked up.
Ive always loved trying to figure out how her brilliant mind works.
she's so talented, funny, smart, and just an all around great person.
the most beautiful minds are of those who may be told that they aren't normal.

she wishes she wasn't here to deal with this.
I know she's having a hard time, but I don't know what I'd do if I lost her again.
no one has ever meant so much to me.
she doesn't realize that people actually care. I care.

how can I make her realize
she's perfect to me.
how fucking adorable she is
how she can always make me smile

the only thing I fear
is losing her.

i guess someone has to be ignored 24/7
that someone is me
I let people throw me around like an emotionless ragdoll.
my feelings don't even get put into consideration.
its alright though.. I've grown used to it.
joke insults, real insults, lies,
they all believe I'll never figure out the difference
because I probably never will.
I'm always the one who throws themselves out there
in hopes that SOMEONE will see how much I fucking try,
hm.

prevailing winds of neverending lonliness

my whole life has run by the same rule
never a winner, always cut short
I never make it where I wish I would.
I try so fucking hard, only to be degraded
and told I shouldnt try to be much more.
I give all the strength that hardly dwells beneath these bones
my body is weak from killing myself to lose again.
they all say
let's just be friends
I never said I was perfect
I make the most mistakes of all

I'm wide awake as the world sleeps
I lie, eyes wide open as the world dreams
thinking about everything as the same time
won't sleep ever come to this mind?

thinking about certain people scares me.
people who hurt me,
and never said a word about it.

thinking about people I love.

thinking of ways to make a very special girl happy

thinking about what this day will bring

I think about many things.

I'll give you my honest word,
nothing you can do will ever make me hate you.
nothing.
i won't bring up secrets you told me, ever.
when I said I wouldn't tell anyone... I meant it.
I don't seek revenge.
I would rather walk away from a fight
knowing I'm better than that,
than staying and fighting a cowardly fight
to prove who's better.

you can't keep peace with fighting
get it right

its true when they say it, diamonds aren't forever

I walked to the end of the world
saw nothing but stars
stars stars stars
and beautiful girls
and this is the world?
looks so pretty on the outside
when I got here I thought so too
the very man who died
was mocked in his own creation
by a dirty demon
who doesnt know how to love
who doesnt know how to live
saw the world through all your eyes
now my eyesight's weakened
lived your life in your lies
now ive got no where to run
but home
keep laughing at me for things I didn't do
and blame me for anything
you're to weak to carry on
when will everyone realize
nothing but love will last forever.

don't give in don't give in don't give in giving in giving in given in gave in. done in

I'm sure I'll die, swingin

in this broken globe
of hate, all ive grown to know
I'll always be alone
no one could spare to waste their time
cause we're all right in our own mind
toss and turn back to whoever you believe
but no one wants to listen
when you don't want them to leave
I don't care who's lying anymore
every temporary step becomes directed towards the door
i want to be invisible
I don't wanna cause pain
I don't wanna be a bother
this shits driving me insane

I feel like this is right

its weird seeing couples who date for a week and say theyre so in love. then they break up and move on so fast.
I never wanted that, I wanted something real...
and I found that with you.
we met around a year ago, and I'm so glad we did.
we've had our ups and downs, but
I believe in my heart, I loved you all along.
every day, I fall for you all over again
and I like how things are going.
we're not like all those other silly couples who think theyve fallen in love with the person theyve been with for a month.
I don't know exactly how you feel but this is how I feel.
you're on my mind all the time,
and I need to stop being stupid and stop getting grounded
cause I want to spend my time with you.
I love kissing you.
I love being around you
I love how it doesnt matter what we're doing, I wouldn't wanna be with anyone else

I hope that doesnt scare you,
its just how I feel :$ :]

I love you

I don't wanna grow older
I just wanna be sober
for everyone to forget what ive done
they don't know the meaning of
the past is past
drugs only last as long as you let them
alcohol will only be drank if you allow it
I guess ive been the same way
I don't wanna grow older
I just wanna be sober.

holding back feels like letting go sometimes

do I ever regret last night.
didn't arrive home till 3am
and when I did, my mom was standing by the door.
guess I deserve it all,
but
I HATE drinking.

I hated passing up hanging out
with you. I wish I would have been able to get
on a computer earlier that night.

you are more important to me
than drugs and alcohol
they dont mean anything

if I would have known,
I wouldn't have drank a sip
and would have come seen you

I love you so much
I never want to leave you
you're my everything
kayla collier.

its so funny how hard kids try to 'fit in'
especially when it comes to drinking.
people think that by letting everyone know that
they party at every chance they get, that theyre
climbing up the social ladder, when the truth is,
you're just someone who has only party-based friends.
it doesnt take any skill to drink a 40.
partying can become overrated.
the ugly annoying girl becomes desirable to all the
filthy teenage boys.
everyone runs around, breaking shit, starting shit,
and looking like shit.

I'm not against drinking,
because around the right people,
it can be fun for a while

I'm just not going to be like one of those girls
who feels that the only way she's accepted
is to drink her ass off

something you didn't know about me

I can be a shy person, I used to always be scared to make the first move, because I was afraid of rejection.
although I do get shy around you sometimes, I always get the urge to make the moves, hoping you will be ok with it.
because since we've been together again
I realized that I can't just sit back
I want to make you mine.
ive never felt love like this before, it makes me ever question liking anyone in the past.
a love that makes me want to try,
because every bone in my body wants to.
I can't imagine loving anyone else in the world.

ill fight for you,
because you deserve everything you want in your life
when you're not around
I'm sitting around like a fool
just missing you
wishing you could never leave my side
even when its hard
I'll keep trying for you
because you're worth every second of my time
and theres no one else I even see
You look so gorgeous every time Im with you
and you can always make me smile
don't ever feel like I don't care
because I do care, more than anything
you're the most beautiful girl in the world
both inside and out

I try to walk away,
but Ill just get knocked down
everything I do isn't good enough
when she could do everything so much better than I could.
she's probably more attractive and appealing
and I'm left trying tofigure out
what did I do
but my mind is playing tricks
or she's fucking with your head
or she's fucking with my head
oh fuck I wish she wasn't around.

you need to know that you everything to me,
and I hate to see you sad.
your mom mistreats you,
don't take it on yourself
.
you're too precious to lose,
so don't hurt yourself.<3

you're too talented, creative, intelligent,
funny, sweet, beautiful, loving, and unique
for the world to ever lose, or for you to be sad.

I love you,
you're worth more than the shit you put up with

you're not fucked in the head, you're not insane.
you're a real person, with real emotions.

because you're worth it

today I decided that I'm going to stop then.
you're more important to me than any drug

I really don't know how you feel
but I still feel the same.
I can't believe I bitched at rain for it,
because she didn't deserve that.
I can just sense this smething that may not even
exist with you two,
but I'm just afraid you'll realize you like her instead of me
if you even still do.
man, you looked so good today...
and I feel like I'm losing my mind
but in a good way.
but idk why ive been feeling so weird
i was so nervous for this semester to start
now I wish it could end

its like I'm just a big joke

everything I tell you, seems to be known by our friends.
I hate how you bring up zong zong .. when you've done worse
and I don't say shit about it.
or when you tel me my mom is around because you want me to get
paranoid.

I don't do this to you. I care about your feelings too much.
I wish you cared about mine.

someone asked ne what I look for in a girl. and this is the first thing I said

well, for me its more than just the outside. I mean, the outside appearance can be important ,
but its more inside that counts.
I like a good sense of humor, I like to laugh.
I like a girl who's not afraid to be herself, and she seems to speak her mind
sometimes and I like that. someone who is fun to be around, who I Can be myself
around.
I like it when I feel we can connect without even saying a word.
I like a girl who knows how to feel, and can understand me
she doesnt need to be a tiny bean pole, I don't find that attractive
womens bodies are beautiful things
I like a girl who is considerate.
she thinks about me, and tries to be there for me
like I'll always be there for her.

as I continued writing, I realized
you're literally the only one I want to be with.
theres many beautiful girls, but they arent you
they don't have what we have

favorites. just need to establish what they are

food: pizza
drink: rootbeer
alcohol: fireball woohoo
band: bring me the horizon/pierce the veil
color: purple and green
movie: the jerk
song: it is infact sunrise sunset and difference in the shades by the bright eyes
animal: turtle
thing to do: hang out with friends


I like to do a lot of things but theres only one thing I want to be when I'm older.
I want to be famous.
but not for being a slut, stupid, a drug addict, or a lame pop singer.

I want to change the world, and inspire people.
somehow.
I love to write songs, and stories
and my goal is to write a movie script.
I've been adding ideas for years
the theme would be
how to stay strong in a world that you have nothing.

maybe I'm a fool

maybe I'll fail
but I'd rather fail, knowing I tried my best
than succeeding in something I hate

hi
I'm
a
robot
that
you
will
programme.

I
won't
have
interests
hobbies
or
things
I like
to do
unless you
programme them in me

whispered plots tell a vibrant story
of what was once happiness turned gold
stories from the days of old
where two kids lead similar lives
trying to experience their whole life before they've ended
their easy going childhood
waking up, to stare at an old calendar on the wall
left for five years, left untouched
five more wasted years spent on long division, grammar, and sex
find someone to relate to, feel misunderstood
cry about life's uncertainty and inequality
take another sip of whiskey, pretend this is life
like an artist, painting senseless lines
a painting could describe the only life many will ever have
follow the same lines and patterns
ending in the same dismal fate
depend on a sundial to bring new life
when it stops, so does the world
until then, spend a little time adding to the worlds book
write a story that will explode before their eyes
a story of a desire, far gone in the sea
it could anywhere in the world, but its destination is predetermined
discovered amongst the lost souls of all the misinterpreted and broken hearted
be the one who will take it easy
where the wind has stopped is where the lucky will be set free

you lie when you call me perfect.

I can't hangout with friends who do drugs. ?
I dont always smoke weed.
I knew I shouldnt have told you about that pill.
shoulda guessed it would be used against me.

I dont try to be cool.

you pick at erythinh I do and expect me to be fine

so I can't have friends?
I didn't even do drugs today.

you're killing me kayla.
why do you try and hurt me.

thanks for randomly taking back that you asked me to be your valentine.
I wanted to be, ad still do.

but I guess you're over it already or something
cause you have to do it in a status over facebook

for a sunrise and a sunset,
your lover is an actress
did you really
think she'd stay?

I woke up one day
and I woke up and said
how'd that mother fucker see without his eyes
he started to laugh
because inside, he's dead
howd that mother fucker see without his eyes
he started to speak
evil spewing in my face
he didn't care, cause he wasn't me
howd that mother fucker see without his eyes

its all in your head
he said
I am god, you're much less
you're lucky I even gave you this
you're wrong, you'll always be wrong

they can't catch a mother fucker without his eyes

he'll get away with murder without his eyes.

its all in your head
its all in my head
its all in our heads

no its real.

dereks ipod sucks more dick than a ho

i'll take you anywhere
I'll take you everywhere
I'll take you anywhere, just to say we have

look at those stars above
they can't even display my love
as we lay here, with your hand in mine

cause you make me feel
alive
and you make me know
everything is fine
theres nothing I'd rather do
then spend all my time with you

I'll take you anywhere
I'll take you everywhere
I'll take you anywhere, just to say we have

as I look in your eyes tonight
they seduce me so right
I dont ever want to forget those times

cause you make me feel
alive
and you make me know
that these feelings are so real

I'll take you anywhere
I'll take you everywhere
I'll take you anywhere, just to say you're mine.
so will you be mine

did you know

I have fear of icsolation. I hate being alone, even though part of me doesnt. when people switch plans, or ditch me... I hate that the most. obviously I dont tel people because I dont want them to know. I plan an event knowing in my mind that its never going to happen now just so I can save my self to the trouble of being hurt or upset. sometimes I feel like absolutely no one is there for me. all my friends seem to tell others, or are never around to talk. I just wanna realease all these things that tie me down

I lose myself at the thought of losing you. I can't help it. theres billions of beautiful girls in the world and you chose me im scared sometimes, that my bottled up emotions will get the best of me there are so many things that no one on earth knows because I feel like even those i love will tell people theres billions of beautiful girls in the world and I was lucky enough to have you I can't imagine feeling the way I do for you, with someone else. I may be wrong, wrong, wrong but you give me a sense that this is right maybe you and I arent just ordinary people people try to keep us apart, and still we always find each other again. I do wanna love you, and I do wanna try cause if falling for you girl is crazy then I'm going out of my mind <3

met this girl about a year ago what I loved most, she had so much soul she was beautiful funny, and perfect. she was the only person in the whole world who made me feel loved. she was the only one who made me feel beautiful. I loved to be around her. she could make me smile for miles, I loved being with her. then we fell apart. my heart shattered when she told me she didnt have feelings for me anymore. i criedbfor hours with out stopping. I couldn't believe that the only person I have ever loved was gone. yeah, theres beautiful girls all over the world, but I couldnt get you out of my mind. I remember one day, I had a dream about you I woke up and wrote a song that came to mind. from then on I realized I still loved you. then, by some miracle- I got you back. I think I was the happiest girl in the world. I love you so much,. I dont wanna just be friends. I want you to be mine <3 I believe we'll make it if we try.

I never said I didnt want to try. now I dont know what to think you mean so much to me would you just let go of me like I was nothing? what am I to you?

don't be afraid
as your brain starts to bleed
and the needles begin to penetrate the roof of your mouth
your nose burns
then the pain begins to fade
swallow the last of the dust inside
and let that inner anguish hide

dance, dance tonight in happiness delight
set in that trance of this light
I could forget you but I surely can't
to set it all free would be a victory

diamonds shine clear, like cocaine eyes
figures moving to the rise
to call it a miss-take is no mistake
wake up only to find a reality so fake

sit alone, scared inside
cry, cry for those cocaine eyes
cure this, hear this - don't walk away
remember the worst of every beautiful day

rythmic motion moves so slow
and winter doesnt always bring snow
wipe those tears away
those white cocaine eyes will turn to gray
uncover all real truth when you're gone
come back to discover everything you know is wrong

wake up wake up - blow it all away
these cocaine eyes have turned back to gray

they want me to be someone that I'm not. but I love you so much I can't help it. I freak myself out. I could write I love you a thousand times and mean every single word. things get to me so fast. I've had a horrible day. no one cares. cause I won't let them

the smallest things make me think

is it all worth it?
am I overreacting?

I dont want flings.
flings are terrible. but the truth is, to me its all thats worth it. to call you my girl to kiss you to hold you to love you I wouldntvwant it from anyone else

you can't say it till you've been through it

I know why you'd say that
but you don't understand
sure, I have done any pill related thing in almost 2 months except for over the weekend.
I know how I once felt
when I just wanted to be high as fuck al the time
being high became my norm

this was past.

I stopped that, and puked every single day for weeks.
had to deal with bullshit about smoking weed.
weed isn't even addictive, and theres nothing wrong with it.

I got so tempted to start taking random pills al the time
but I didnt give in.

I was curious so I tried stuff recently.

I don't have a drug problem.

marijuana is the least of your concerns

I dont want to be 'won over.'
I want to hear honesty.
its just typical.

I guess I'm not normal.
cause so many people do the same shit, and I dont.
sorry 'world.'
sorry that I

dont tell someone who's beautiful that theyre ugly.. just cause I'm mad.

I dont constantly manipulate people. everyones done it before, past.

I dont get stressed over things like college, university etc.

I don't fight people. fighting is retarded.

I'm a virgin. if you think that makes me less of a lesbian, then you have serious problems. sorry I'm not a slut who has to prove herself to the world.

I don't like to sit around and giggle about stupid boys and backstab all my friends.

I don't consider kindness as flirting

I do crazy shit. for no reason at all

I get paranoid. get over it

i don't think before I speak. I never said I was smart so don't bother calling me stupid.

I ignore people when they call me hot. I'm not, and I'm not easy so don't waste your time looking like a douche

I don't find beauty in sickening things. beauty is what God intended it to be, and he didnt make evil a beautiful thing.

I'm sorry that constant mooching pisses me off. theres a fine line between using people and being friends who share. when I share everything with the little shit I have, its not too much to ask for shit in return.

six billion

I'm not like everyone else. part of me chooses that, and part of me will just always be that way.
if you dont believe who I am, or what I do
then fuck you.
I'm not here to please the world
I'm not here to please YOU.
there's six billion other people in the world
your opinions dont mean anything.

dont fuck with my head
I'll never think like you do.

there's six billion people on this earth
six billion different faces, minds, and personalities.
sorry I'm not a cliche, poser, or smart person.

there's six billion people on this earth
so forget me.

I know I get angry, we all do.

but constant immaturity isn't my thing

this doesnt have to go wrong
let's prove them all that they are wrong.

I won't be here much longer

its a constant battle
and I'm not strong
I sink deeper into this pit of doom
with every crisis in front of me

they'll forever tear me down
what kills me is that you dont care
i must be crazy right
for just living my own life

people are fucked.

they dont compare to you

wrote this during the summerr. a lot of my stuff was repetitive

paint me a picture with your smile
sing me a song with your eyes
you've been gone for a while
I'll keep your memories as my only way to survive
I'm at a loss for words everyday
I wish I could gain the courage to tell you
how much I love you
you make me the happiest I can be
if I ever lost you, I'd lose myself

another thing a lot of people don't know about me is that I'm ambidextrous.
that means I'm both left and right handed and feel comfortable doing most things
with either hand. my writing isn't as good - but my writing isn't neat anyways.
another weird thing that no one knows about me, like literally no one
is how ever since I was little I would be really interested in the difference between
being left and right handed.
this is awkward, but I found left handed people more intrieging and somewhat more
attractive than right handed people.
I'm so weird,haha

blinded

I meant to do this yesterday.
something that like no one knows about me, which is really weird is that I pretend I'm blind sometimes.
my eye sight is so bad, that I find it easier not to see at all.
I was always curious as to how blind people seem to work with their disability so well,
and it makes me realize - I have no excuses.
no excuses not to do anything
im happy to at least be able to have any sight
because God made this world a beautiful place

I am just intrigued by the thought of using all other senses
to get around, and not just looking at everything and not seeing all
the things of the world.

the only one

I love how cute you are when youre shy
I love how you make me smile
you give me all these feelings
I didnt know I could have
i love how adorable you are
how you make me feel so real
its funny, I feel like a 12 year old
feeling so shy, with hands dying to hold yours
and then I gather up the nerve
to ask you to dance
please say yes.

theres no one else,
you've stolen my heart
youre the only one
for me.

I don't care what people say
cause ive gone crazy for you
all over again
my heart beats fast
I'm falling for you
no,
ive already fallen for you
and with you is where I wanna be
youre the only one