I'm still in love with the SAME GIRL.

should I still be?
cause I realize she's still eerything I even want.
although I love to see her happy, no matter what - I can't help but wish she was still mine.....

:$

this site is way better than tumblr.

YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME WELL
YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ME WELL

you don't know me at all.
no you know nothing more than my name

hiding in your lies, you think you know me
you act like you remember
my life story
what you never know will never hurt you
what you pretend you know will kill you

PRETEND YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHTEOUS
dancing with the enemy
you haven't got much of a head
you thought you knew me well

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW ME
and i'll never care

Heather's goneShe left a note"He is Legend" was all she wrote
Go fetch the detective
I think I've found something
This isn't Heather's handwriting
That's right. I said it
I SAID IT

Don't you talk to strangers.
You know it leads to danger.
"I'm gonna be a big star some day!"
"Shake that thing!"
The kidnapper is at the Comfort Inn
We'll find your daughter and we'll get revenge
Red, red, red carpet
Red, red, red carpet
Red, red, red carpet
Red, red, red carpet
Red, red, red carpet
Red carpet burns!
The ransom!
The handsome one knocks on your door
It's the candy, the paper, the blood on the floor
It's the diamonds and pills
"Leave my daughter alone!"
It's the glamour that kills
"Dad, I'm not coming home"
I.
AM.
HOLLYWOOD.Watch where you point your finger
I am Hollywood
You better remember

I am Hollywood

I'm glad there's finally going to be some sort of a change.
I'm getting help, making myself who I want to be, letting people who have brought me down go, and quit smoking.
I've realized how these things really do affect your life, and even though you may feel constantly sad about them for a while, it'll be worth it in the end.
I don't expect people to sympathize for me...
infact it's more of the opposite,
I regret ever telling untrustworthy people things that I thought they wouldn't tell.
I didn't want anyone to know.
I'm glad I deactivated my facebook.
a few people who I have surrounded myself with in the past
are complete cowards. they feel that facebook is where they can act out
about their pathetic feelings, because they can't actually say them to my face.
I can focus more on my school work, and fixing what has been broken in my life.
I still feel terrible about myself, my appearance... my body...
but that will probably never change until I meet someone who doesn't make me feel
more self contious about them.
i'll keep doing what I'm doing.
removing my body hair, restyling my hair, wearing what ever I like, wearing all the makeup I want, and not being afraid of being mocked for my emotions.

fuck haters.

if you have to go around trying to convince people to hate me, better check yourself.
cause that's called jealousy my friend.

ps.... I'm not 'slow' or 'dumb.'

I either don't find it important enough to pay attention to,
don't give a fuck, and just don't care.
or I'm permafried but who really gives a shit.

can't wait to get out of this shithole of a town called sarnia. ive been thinking this for five years

cultus lake

I found this picture on the internet, but I actually used to go here all the time when I was younger. Since I have always had problems breathing in most indoor chlorinated pools, and a few of the outdoor ones... I loved swimming in the lake because I could actually breathe clearly without problems. I loved the outdoor air, the mountains, the water, the sounds,...everything.

Squamish

I didn't go to Squamish a whole lot because it was a couple hours away from my house - but sometimes my dad would take my siblings and I there to go hike in the mountains. Although back then, I didn't always enjoy the mountain hikes - I miss them a lot now. I was very interested in nature, plants, and animals - so I was never bored when I was here. I don't know if I've ever actually seen the waterfall in the picture above, but I chose it to represent the first time I ever drank pure spring water. I honestly have never tasted anything more pure since then.

Cloverdale

This is the town that I spent a large part of my childhood in. The sign in the picture above was actually able to be seen from my house. I didn't watch Smallville back then, but I did know that a large portion of the show was infact filmed across the street, since I lived in downtown Cloverdale. I miss this town a lot.
I would go for walks with friends, play in the backyard, go on adventures, and much more. My favorite place to go was the bmx track down the street. I would pride myself in being not only the only girl who ever actually got air off the jumps, but pretty much the only girl who would even go there and not watch the boys.

living life in the saddest key, to the saddest degree

looking down the way,
there's nothing left for me to say
ive been let down and left alone
all ive ever wanted was someone to call my own
my lack of joy brings me great pain
i don't know how i'll smile again.
but i'll go on

,

I'm losing my mind.

I love you.
and maybe to you, this is overreacting.
it can't be.
if I was overreacting, I'd already be dead.
I don't tell people everything thats wrong.
people don't care about things like that,
I've learned, so I don't tell anyone.
it builds up inside, until I feel I can't hide it anymore.
I don't need you thinking that it's all the surface things that go on.
it's not.
no one wants to hear my fucking story.
no one needs to.

everyday I feel like a constant waste of space.
I hate to be sad, but I am a lot.
I feel so awkward, shy, quiet, weird, stupid, whateverrrrrrr...
and I hate it.

I kinda hope she never sees this, but I kind of hope one day she does.
hopefully we'll be doing better than we are right now if she does. it kills
me everyday. why can't I just make someone happy? why do I bring this pain upon
myself? why do I seem to enjoy getting hurt when I'm already down? she doesn't
seem to like me anymore. I can't make someone like me if they don't want to.
I'm pretty repulsive I guess, thats what I think about myself.I wish, every day that
I wasn't who I am right now. or even myself at all... or whoever that girl was when you
actually wanted to be with me.
these silences are getting scarier
I'm losing what's left of myself
trying to get back someone who meant so much to me.
I'm in love.
with someone who probably doesn't want to even be around me.
I wouldn't blame her.

I'm just so fucking sad.

I'm so sad....

waking up in the morning with hangovers and chemical hangovers that aren't worth it.
nothing really seems to be worth it anymore. people say'stop being sad' but it really isn't
that easy anymore. I've become so good at hiding my sadness sometimes to the extent where people actually think I'm happy.
I guess I was doing alright... shouldn't be anything unusual for me.
felt completely alone all the time, and usually I still do.
I feel that useless noise only comes from my mouth
no one could ever know how I feel.
you probably haven't ever felt like this.
to the point where I'm too weak to end it,
too strong to give anything up
but feel everything is gonna break.

^ the style. since it's reaaly not much different in length than mine

one color idea

I won't copy any pics tho, cause none of them look like what I want completely, but these are just ideas

still just wish you knew,
you're still more beautiful than any of them

sometimes I just miss the way things were.

it's a scary feeling to lose yourself
to lose yourself in the crowd
lose yourself in front of everyone
to forget who you were
why you were
and how you went on.

I don't know where I went.
was sailed away in a sea of oil paints and colors strained
left inside a shell that I can't seem to break out of
I don't know how to love without you
nothing feels the way it used to

I'll never get over those flashbacks

awkward, but true.

still I see no changes,
wake up in the morning and I ask myself
is life worth living or should I blast myself

thursday - 54321

5-4-3-2-1 Let's start a fire
Burn this town from inside out
Until no one's left alive
And you can’t feel the rhythm of your steps when you hit the street.
Safety is so far away from here, when you’re counting every step.

5-4-3-2 what are you waiting for?
The train is catching up, keep on running don’t look back.
'Cause it's 10-9-8-7 everybody’s coming to burn this city, burn this city down tonight and leave it all behind.

All his life he lived in this same house
Same white fence surrounding him, he swore he would get out.
But he can’t because his foot got caught in between in the rails.
And all his friends were up ahead
They can’t hear him yelling, yelling for some help.
And it’s much too late to call the doctor now.
This town is full of sympathies; we’re drowning in it all.

5-4-3-2 What are you waiting for?
The train is catching up, keep on running don’t look back.
'Cause it's 10-9-8-7 everybody’s yelling to burn this city, burn this city down tonight and leave it all behind.

Is that the sound of the gate coming down?
No flashing lights, no warning?
When we press our ears to the ground we feel the shake
But it’s under the skin, so we wilt like violets
Can’t get up, to put the petals in their place.

5-4-3-2 What are you waiting for?
Burn this city, burn this city tonight.

creepy, maybe. but yeah

I wouldn't call what I'm doing, hypocrisy as far as logic is concerned.
i won't just be nice to someone who's being a complete asshole.
I will defend myself, not try to make it worse.
if you hate me so much, then stop.
if you 'loved' me, you'd feel like I feel.
maybe you do.
your words, they can hurt.
sometimes I find your insults funny,
but it makes me feel so torn up inside to know that we aren't the way we used to be.
I feel there is still hope for us.
I'm working on my problems,
and that means you should work on yours.
problems aren't the end of the world, we all have them. I haven't been handling mine as maturely as I could have, but it's never too late to change that. and I am.

I'm tired of hearing about the immature backtalk.
I don't do that.
people say what they want, they don't always phase me.

if people have only seen us fighting, yeah they might think we shouldn't be together.
but they don't know about how we felt before,
why I try so hard to make things right
and beat myself up when they go wrong.
I want people to see how we felt for each other.
how you could make me smile forever after one simple kiss goodbye,
how I still get these butterflies..
I could just sit around and be with you forever
I still have all the notes I never gave you,
the songs I've never sung you.
and sometimes i see things that we used to talk about, and you're the only one I want to talk about them with.
it breaks my heart to see you like this,
but here I am, owning up to the problems I've had.
i get over a lot of things easily, but not everything.

I'd rather have you as a friend than nothing at all.
but you really do mean so much to me.

so you do drugs now?

drugs aren't an excuse.
if you can't handle it, don't.
it's not worth it.
you're no cooler than the next hypocrite
popping a couple pills makes you into a complete idiot.

and I can say this now.
and mean it.

do what you want,
but just remember
you'll be the one to lose, if you continue

my favorite thing. wish I coulda wrote something like this

got my fever down, and weighted up, I know the
sounds remaining won't strain all the silt from my eyes
bleache the green from the pastures, feast on the grey
of the night, straight from the vines, refusal to shine

you're my favorite thing - the one that I love so I'd die for your love

blind the deafened moon, stimulate the tombs of angels
I'll open my heart, won't fall apart
don't fall apart
you're my favorite thing
and I feel like letting go

must be the cool way to handle life

when the going gets tough,
and your bones feel like they're going to collapse
the best thing to do
is give up.

hiding from your fears must be the cool way to handle things.
that must be the reason that I feel all these bullet wounds, from
being shot at, all these stabbing wounds from being stabbed at.
I don't run away from problems.
i face them

haha they say don't believe everything on the Internet.... but I think this is true.

lets make love, not war

falling in love can be a scary thing.
not as in, horror scary - but it can be so nerve wracking and confusing.
at first you'll hold back, because you don't want to be hurt in the end.
holding back might feel good at first, but then it comes to a point where
you feel you have to let it out, but you're still scared. the feelings inside
being held back may feel like so much to you, but to the other person, they
see none of it... because you're holding back. afraid to get hurt. this, could
eventually be what ends a perfectly good thing, or just hurt the other person
while thinking about yourself. to fall completely in love, is to open up... to
the right extent. yeah they could easily take everything you tell them about yourself
and use it against you.... but you need to trust that they won't. if you live your life
in fear, you won't find love like you would if you just went with the flow.

left alone

left alone to wither to nothing
in this bed once made of roses
torn at the thought of your name
shattered with every breath, knowing
i didn't wanna be, without you
I still see you sometimes,
in my dreams
where you're still so far away
sometimes I rememeber looking into your eyes
how I couldn't help but smile
because i was so happy.
now I'm a mess
maybe there's nothing left of me.

in a world of fear and hatred
our differences could tear us apart
we hold on to every last bit of strength 
fighting to survive
fighting to remain sane
we seem so very different
but we're just the same

I was walking down the street, going for my daily stroll. I would leave whereever I was at exactly 2:00 pm and go for a half an hour walk. when I was on this walk, I would do a varity of things like pick up food, walk around the park, walk around the mall, go to the zoo, and do what I did best... think. I was a pretty quiet person when it comes to the social aspect of my life. I had several friends, but didn't answer their calls often. my best friend was my cat... and I did a whole lot of thinking, dreaming, and fantasizing. imagining I was some huge catch, a superstar maybe. someone who everyone knew, and only few hated. I would dream I would have the perfect woman, perfect job, perfect house, different life.... rather than the lonely, run down apartment, semi miserable life. it wasn't all bad, I'd feel good quite often too. but overall, my sadness dominated my life. except during my walk. my walk was the only think that kept me sane. as I walked, I thought about the future. how there were so many options... I couldn't even comprehend how many there were. I worked odd jobs. sometimes I would pull weeds in peoples lawns, sometimes I would paint walls, sometimes I would move bricks... I never knew what I was gonna do next...

finish later

yes.

and I too am getting my nipples pierced.

AT LEAST I STILL HAVE YOU,
BLOGSPOT.
HOPE NO HACKERS SEE THIS AND HACK THE ONLY SITE I ACTUALLY LIKE....

rip tumblr.

echo

we were once two homies of the same kind
used to holler at a kitty wit the same line
you was once so full of life,
now you're all alone, surrounded by knives
your furs been pimpin for years
but it's only brought you fears
wasn't accustomed to the white picket life
let yo momma know, she's raised a player that ain't no lie
sippin back the gin,
drinking enough to make your head spin
recheckin your life, would anyone care?
we got mad love for you homie,
we be forever there.

no nigga,
your time ain't here
you gotta stay in dis world
gotta stay on top
shockin bitches till you die
forever you gonna stay high

got mad for ya homie,
we ain't even mad
don't go echo
don't leave your homies ridin solo

when the music stops,
and people start to leave this wild place
all that they thought was once love falls to pieces
these pretty girls, dressed to kill
won't leave with a smile
because what everyone wants is to be wanted
whether it's for a second, minute, or forever.
everyone wants to mean something to someone.
it's crazy, oh yes it's true
how far I've fallen for you
I don't see like they do anymore
I've openned up my eyes
to trip like they don't
to feel like they won't
to smile like they don't
to love like they won't
I was happy I fell for you
my only wish is that you'd love me too.

looking up to the sky
seeing the clouds
taking over me
their cold embrace
breathing right back in my face

who wouldve know
we'd come to this
who wouldve guessed
it could come out to this

so I'll remain in my dreams
rememmbering all the smiles of yesterday
and I'll go on
even if I walk for miles
I'll be there
waiting
watching the skies
hoping to catch
the next plane ticket out of this town

everything here
reminds me of you
the way that I feel
it haunts me too
but I'll remain in my dreams

cause that's the only place 
I can be with you.

I was just being friendly..

this is a dream I had. but it's weird how sometimes my worst fears are the theme.

I don't really remember where we were, at a party I think.
I like to be friendly to people as say hello. so I was just being friendly and walking around
this party. everyone was so rude, no one would talk to me.
I hate rejection, of any form - especially this kinda.
I remember I walked into a room with a group of people that looked similar to a couple of ransoms from school, only their faces weren't quite the same.
and I tried to talk to them,
"get the fuck outta here. no one wants your ratty ass here."
said one of the girls.
"you look so fucking stupid, who invited you to this party?.."
said another.
"you're sketchy as fuck, and your hair looks fucking retarded"
someone else said.
I felt my hair, it felt a big messier than usual.
"well I don't fucking like it, and who are you to call me sketchy? have you seen yourself?"
I said.
unfortunately, one person can't verbally fight like ten.
"no one likes you, you have no friends so why are you still here?"
someone said.
they all laughed at me.
any defense I had, they just threw it back in my face.
you see, that's another strange
fear of mine. being isolated and helpless in front of people.
being the hated one, for no reason
or something as stupid as the way I look.

it's never easy

life is hard.
everything can be hard.
it's easy to just give up,
and sometimes giving up is the only option.
but it's impossible to live life challenge free.
there's always something that you may not be good at
and there's always something you are good at.
even when the bad seems to outweight the good,
just remember that things do get better
and staying strong in tough times,
will make you stronger in general.
so to give up on things that aren't impossible is weak.

no one ever said life was fair.
we just have to deal with it.