can't ever regret you, I won't ever forget you

theres so many things I want to say,
I just dont know how to start
you're amazingly beautiful in every single way
and I love you with all my heart.
I won't ever regret you
because baby girl, my love is true
i love being around you. so much so that I hate to leave you ever :$
I feel like all those cliche love songs I once heard, finally make sense.
they all make me think of you.
I'm so shy but I want to do eerything I can to make you happy
because you deserve to be
I want to make this work more than anything

you're so wonderful,
I'm so lucky to have you
<3

all we've been through, has made us stronger
and I'm so happy about itt.

I love you kayla

hello all nighter number two..

how can I get closer to you
my heart, its burning through
my chest and I can't contain it anymore
could you be the one I'm waiting for

how do I get by each day
when I can't even collect words to say
you reassure me every day
I'm alive

I decided starting now, till the end on February , I will post one thing that no one or few people know about me.



I'm a mess.
honestly, I'm glad that only a couple people will ever see this. ever since grade 7, I have had extreme self image problem. yeah I'll admit it. things around me would make me feel so much worse and it got to the point where I purposely starved myself to try and lose the baby fat on my stomach. I will be the first to tell you, I don't have a hard life. I feel that my mental being is the reason for a lot of my terrible reactions to things. my dad is a sociopath or how ever thats spelled, and it has been one of my biggest fears to end up like him. my mom is actually an amazing mom. sure shes strict, and shit happened in the past but she's honestly the reason I didnt just jump off the deep end. she doesnt know how some of the things she says, hurt - I really don't know what's wrong with me. actuallly I might, but I don't ever want to know the truth about that. I was raised differently than most kids. I was homeschooled till grade 7 because my mom used to be a teacher and loved teaching but didnt want to work in the school system. I'm so happy she did. although I was EXrEMELY naive and innocent when I entered school, I wouldnt change it. I remember when everyone made fun of me for asking what a blow job was. haha, or when I was the only kid in class who didnt know what cleavage was.. hahahahha I knew like nothing that all'these kids' talk about.

those crazy mother fuckers
they think you're crazy too
fuck that
we're all the fucking same.
some people have different minds,
so now theyre fucked?
people judge addicts,
but they can't until they look at theirselves.
everyones addicted to something.
doesnt make it right
but now people think they can tell you who you are?
fuck them

dreaming of coming home

step step, dance to the beat
the music dies
the drugs fade
the deception ends now
I'll be dreaming of coming home
I won't be the only one
who's dying to get back home
this won't be a long night
cause I'm dreaming of coming home

backwards whispers, forward plots
who is this all for?
forgetting all the fear once brought
now I'm dying to get back
dying to come back
home

why am I so creepy?

an unwinding path lays beneath my feet
I'll keep a little hope in mind
as I wander this cold street
walking forever to find
there's nothing else
no one else
who can take your place
you're irresplaceable .

if my mind wasn't dead I could actually write something that makes sense.

but what does make sense
is how I feel about you.
how happy you make me feel...
I still feel outrageously nervous all the time

cause, you simply amaze me.

and right now, you're asleep beside me (snoring) and I'm still awake.

can't stay awake
but dont wanna sleep

lying in bed
its 4 am
and I feel so dead
my throat,

tell her that she's beautiful
tell her she's your whole world

straight to the heart

my hands are shaking, held shut
I can't believe this is what has come,
come into this
I can't speak a clear word
everything I say is mumbled and unheard
I'm not understood

like poison in my veins
you tear me apart
shot right to the heart
I could tell from the start

your golden arrows
just don't amaze me like they did
your crooked smile erases things that you once said

I love you, in the worstbestmostamazing way.

So many people think they've found love but they havent.
well love doesnt grow in a day, or even a week.
you can't love someone to death
unless youve felt dead without them.
no, not weak... literally dead.

your eyes may be open, you may be moving - but who controls you?

to feel an urge that brings even suicide to its knees
this tickling inside my heart
makes me want to tear myself apart
I'm lovesick, and addicted

your lips are like the most dangerous of all venom
your fingertips brush against me like those of an angel

like we were made to feel this way
I have no words to speak, yet so much to say

you make me feel shy like a child
oh how you drive me wild.

you don't scare me... I scare me.

these thoughts morph themselves into a human's shadow
they follow me where I go
they know how to live it up.
but this same shadow
belongs to someone who once betrayed all she loved
I'm stronger but I'm insane
I'm better but still got myself to blame

I'm crazy
I'm fucked up
I'm so far gone

but just to slip out some truth
truth leaves these lips
they tell me I love you.

holduppp

I was through smiling, and pretending she didnt have me.

I can't deny what we've had.
I love you so much, still
I'm just letting out what I've been holding in for so long.
maybe this is wrong,
I don't want to hurt you baby
but I honestly do love you more than anything.
and even if you change your mind about me
that won't ever change.

how many ways can I say
I love you
girl youre on my mind
from when I wake up
till I go to sleep

fighting with you
kills me more than you will ever know
the only reason I cry
is because I'm so scared to live without you<3

I miss your bright brown eyes
the ones that pulled me in, and put me under your spell.
I miss your radiant face,
that keeps me smiling even when youre gone
I love the way you are,
so confident, and still so adorably shy.
I can't help but fall in love with you again and again.

I've loved you since the first day I met you
even when we were fighting,
it only hurt so much
because I'm crazy for you girl
I only felt so much pain
because I gave you my everything

the scent
the touch
the lust
the pain
the joy
the love
the hate
the tears
the change
I've felt emotions
but never have I
been in love with anyone
but you

since the day that our eyes first met
I was in love with you.
now I feel the same
hoping this isn't some old love game
baby youre beautiful, and there's nothing wrong with you
I love you
I want to be with you
forever
:$

she's so beautiful. I dont deserve someone so fine.
not only that but everything about her is perfect for me.
I want to be with her again
more than anything

Listen examine this carefully you can even dance to the beat
Or chill and have a seat or choke of the smoke of a cactus tree
We once held undying devotion
now dead to our thoughts, undefined like our love

You Let Me Have My Way
Those Were The Days
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
I just need something to live for
So I'll never die again

Time will see us realign
Diamonds rain across the sky
See you don't know what its like to build a life from nothing
And be scared to lose everything.

Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing


I never thought that I had anymore to give
Pushing me so far
Here I am without you
All dreams are of you
My venus doom
Deep inside your eyes it shows
You've been lost for too long
Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you
Drowning once again.
Will I live another day?
To reach the surface
Let this burden drift away


When all the rain is falling, grey skies are moving in
I know who I'll be calling, I'm going...running home again

Another lover
paints the sky. I lie awake alone with these burning scars and the sunlight is gone

n

the bee

Humming around in the air

Flying about everywhere

It lives to let itself go

And has stripes only its kind can show

Attracted to the scent of fruits and flowers

Its face will be shown only during daytime hours

Gardens, fields, and skies blue

Your only concern is if it will follow you

Hexagon shapes all hidden in a dome

The only place that it will ever call its home.

I just wish I never kissed you, cause then I wouldn't miss you<3
I never should have given in to that urge
to kiss you when I really should.
I wish these butterflies didnt still flutter at the sight of you
but wishes dont make the world go round
because all I need is in you
I'm feeling kinda funny
I'm feeling quite upset
how I want you so bad
but I can't open my mouth
I wanna scream these words
as they choke at the back of my throat
I love you
still
somuch.
<3

Looks like love

Take another step
Don’t give up on me just yet
We could take a chance
We could find a child’s romance
At least we’d love until we can’t

I won’t run
When it looks like love
I won’t hide beneath the fear of our past that’s come undone
I won’t run
When it looks like love
I can’t spend another night alone regretting what I’ve done
So I won’t run

A breeze can only be
When she overcomes the heat
Our hearts can only shade
When there’s risk that they could break
That’s the chance that I will take

So I won’t run
When it looks like love
I don’t hide beneath the fear of our past that’s come undone
I won’t run
When it looks like love
I can’t spent another night alone regretting what I’ve done

Raise your hands
It’s time to say those words that I left unsaid
I’ve slept through the sunrise
And I turned away every time it got bright

So I won’t run
When it looks like love
I don’t hide beneath the fear of our past that’s come undone
I won’t run
When it looks like love
I can’t spent another night alone regretting what I’ve done

5-4-3-2-1 let's start a fire

Where's my angel? I need someone here tonight

Out of your way i could do this right.
Can't see you anymore. Won't feel you anymore

But I can't give up just yet
Cause every word [you’ve] ever said
Is still ringing in my head

[you] won't kiss and tell, but this isn't how
[you] got that name, it all seems like a game

This is my last outcry to prove that shattered wings cant fly and you,
Promised we' d always see things through
But I saw right through you 

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never showed it to me, did you?

When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armour

I wish I could have listened to my conscience, and not drunk a drip
I wouldn't be here in so many pieces, I shouldn't have drank a sip

Give me back my point of view
'Cause I just can't think for you

No more looking in your eyes, no more staring at the sky
I only asked if I could stay,

I never wanted anything the way that I want you
But my words dont seem to matter

Every white page will be turned to grey and every second spent was worth it
We have the scars to show that,

What a way to end a perfect day

So I'll sing a melody and hope to God she's listening
Sleeping softly while I sing, and I'll be your memories
Your lullaby for all the times, hoping that my voice could get it right

[You] keep on passing me by

Still, there is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free

I'll open my heart won't fall apart, don't fall apart
You're my favourite thing, and I feel like letting go

Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be.
As a friend, as an old enemy

Ripped apart in minutes what was built in seven [months]
The ink scarred on your back may as well of disappeared

Where did we go wrong?

Missing faces of the ones we loved

Hide the veins in your neck

Ease up the tension in your head

Forget the feeling anger gives you

Your sick addiction

To kill souls and spread their ashes

Despising everyone you once loved

To live a life you’ll die to live

Where did we go wrong

Shivering, crying, in the streets

With no place to call home

Leave your insecurities now

They’re leaving you

They’re so far from you now

You have nothing to fear

They said you’re just a girl

And life is just a dream

So why can’t anything go your way

Can’t anybody see

Cause there’s billionaires on heroin

And dreamers living on the streets

They don’t stand a chance

Against them and their money

What happens when they push you

And tell you not to stay

Unwanted

You’ve got it tattooed on your face

No tries to see it like you

This complication

Cause all they’ve ever known

Is plastic smiles and paper hearts

It’s too selfish to want to live

It’s too selfish to want to die

Everyone’s smiling along with you

When your heart begins to cry

Shuffle back memories

Of a sedated lullaby

They don’t mean a thing to anyone

They were all

Unwanted

Their frosted faces melt away

To expose their filthy intentions

Everyone just wants to be seen

But all they’ll ever be

Is unwanted.

Alone

We can’t get by on our own

Our place called home

Is all we’ve ever known

Things don’t ever seem to change

The stronger we get, the more we’ll astray

But when the morning comes

And the rain falls

We won’t give up hope

We won’t give up a thing

To be strong

And hold on

And never let go, again

So keep those words they said

In your memories

They can’t stop us

Except in our dreams

But we can’t get by alone

This place is all we’ve ever known

Can it bring no pain

When we’ve only got faith to gain

It seems like we’ve made it

But we’re all frustrated

Can time heal this thrill

Cause all this time is so natural

Will we make it out alive?

Is it time that we must kill?

Where are we now

We’ve lost our minds without knowing how

We can’t get by on our own

Our place called home

Is all we’ve ever known

Things don’t ever seem to change

The stronger we get, the more we’ll astray

These ashes could make them cry

These designs could make them all forget

They’re superior, they’re classic

You won’t recall anything drastic

But we can’t be that way

Because we all don’t have the words to say

Keep going; don’t stop when you’re tired

Blaze till even trees are fired

Keep that flame deep inside

And remember the simple methods you’ve tried

To retain a smile in a time of pain

                                                                                Because you’ve only got faith to gain.

Strong for the hour

Empty rooms leave empty thoughts

Empty faces, empty schemes

Nothing was ever as it seemed

When I don’t know what’s real

Or what I’ve dreamed

Stronger for the hour

It’s all I’ll ever be

Stronger for the power

All I’ll never see

Carrying on at night

Every night, when nothing seems to feel right

Stronger for the hour

I’ll relive my life in an hour

Stronger for the power

                                                                      All I’ll never see

Paradise of Strangers

Villains and the innocent tonight

Walk the streets beneath the lights

A valley of sickly blank faces

But everything’s all right

No one seems to care

If you’re there or unaware

No one even stops to stare

In this sea of empty eyes

All buried in their disguise

Not knowing, what comes next

Wearing a face, so vexed

These hearts have no soul

Their grief has once again taken toll

Their vibes float through me

Like a ghost in a haunted movie

It’s a hallucination for some

A relaxant for others

It never ends

Their comments won’t mend

The broken truth that came to me

Hearing that everything was so happy

Only Till Tomorrow

There goes somebody

Their face remains blank to me now

For just now

Till Tomorrow,

Tomorrow

Can’t I say a thing

No I’ll remain for just now

For just now

Till tomorrow,

Tomorrow

Cause every night I spend alone

I am with you

And every time

I die

I die to tell you things, that I can’t contain

Till tomorrow

Tomorrow

There goes somebody

Who’s face isn’t clear to me now

Just right now

It’s a matter of words

And the wisdom I lack

Maybe tomorrow

                                                                          I’ll be done

In the night skies, I’ve found peace

There’s a car parked where the street ends

And trees sitting like weeds, taking over the sky

The air couldn’t have been more perfect

With not a hint of wind,

Not a hint of anything

The only sounds that can be heard

Are the trees as they sway, to and fro

The whispers of fallen leaves as they brush across

The cold hard pavement on the streets

No human can be seen,

Just the quaint old houses in where they reside

Behind the trees, stands a tall concrete wall

It keeps the street secluded from the rest of the world

Keeps everyone’s minds on their own lives

As the night progresses, the silence continues

No one to be seen,

No one to be heard

The whispers of the leaves get louder

As they echo in the cold embrace of the night skies

In the night sky

The night sky, is where

I’ve found peace

Such serene tranquility

Nothing can compare

To the peaceful autumn nights

In the night skies,

That’s where I’ve found peace.

the man without a name

He was born in a cold house in Vancouver. This house was all he’d ever known, but what he didn’t know was that there was so much more out there, than that old shabby house where he spent his whole life so far. His father was an alcoholic, and his mother was terminally ill. He had four sisters and two brothers; all of them were younger than he was. He didn’t like being the oldest kid in his family, because there was no one he could look up to. He didn’t know the difference between right and wrong, because no one had ever spent enough time with him to teach him. He was 18 years old. He was kicked out of high school in his freshmen year, due to him never being at school. His father would often get very drunk, and end up either destroying the house, or attacking a family member. He didn’t ever feel his father loved him, he never told him. He didn’t know what love felt like; he had never been in love. He worked at a fry shop making less than minimum wage, and he hardly made any money on most occasions. He had been fighting his addictions for years, and was still barely able to function. He started smoking at age 6, drinking when he was 8, smoking marijuana when he was 9, but then gave it all up and became addicted to heroin at age 14. He never really knew who he was, he didn’t know what he became, and he didn’t see anything he could ever do to change. However, he did enjoy doing two things, painting and writing. When he was a child, his art teachers would all tell him that he was not artistic, and had no creative ability. He didn’t let that stop him for a while, he would buy many cheap canvases and just sit at home and paint for hours. When he began high school, he took art once again and his teacher told him that he shouldn’t even both taking the class. That’s when he dropped out of the class, and completely gave up on his hobby. His English teachers were very similar to his art ones. They all told him that everything he wrote didn’t sound right, that he had terrible grammar, and that his writing needed to meet a certain criteria that he never achieved. He gave up on school very quickly, but he was already used to all the criticism. His principal talked to him in his office and told him that he was destroying his life, one day at a time – and that if he didn’t turn his attendance habits around, he would be expelled. This was around the time that he ever tried shooting up heroin, and had no idea what he was doing with his life. He came to school high whenever he actually came at all, which was very rare. The principal expelled him after two weeks, and he didn’t go to any other school because no other schools wanted him. His family was on welfare, since his father had lost his job due to his alcoholism problems. He hated being alone with his father, because never had a single nice thing to say, he never smiled, and he never did anything for anyone. Four years passed by, and everything was still the same for him. He got a job because his uncle hired him, out of pity – even though he knew that he probably wouldn’t be a very good worker. He knew people, but he didn’t care for anyone. He wouldn’t answer people’s calls, wouldn’t ever hang out with anyone. He just wanted to be alone, even though nothing good ever came out of it. He was severely depressed, and felt that there was probably something else wrong with him that he was yet to find out. He didn’t think there was any point to his life, but he kept living. His mother was diagnosed with lung cancer, and she was too far in to have it removed. All his siblings eventually were put in foster care because social services found out how unfit the house was that they lived in. The house was nearing 100 years old, and had no heating. The windows were paper-thin glass, and several of them were broken already. The siding on the house was rotting and falling off, and the lawn hadn’t been tended to in over 15 years. He spent all his time here, and would spend most of his time in the backyard. The backyard was very large and overgrown. There were willow trees everywhere, and a small run down shed in the very back. He would go there to do everything, to think, to eat, sometimes even to sleep. He would get high in the shed daily, and throw a lot of the syringes over the fence – but there were still a few left lying on the ground in the shed. He got more and more sloppy with his addiction, since his dad somehow didn’t even know about it until the day he turned 18. When his dad found out, he threw an empty whiskey bottle at his face, which did hit him. He went unconscious, and when he woke up, he had extremely deep gashes in his cheeks, glass in his face, and couldn’t see out of his left eye at all, but didn’t go to the hospital. On one particular day, he decided to go for a walk around town. As he passed the glossy store windows, he saw his reflection. His hair was long, tangled, and dirty. He didn’t have a coat, even though it was winter – he wore a green and blue striped shirt that was very worn out. His jeans were worn and tattered, and his shoes were almost non-existent. He almost felt ashamed; he would watch people pass him in their new stylish clothes, but knew that he didn’t want to be like them. He had been around long enough to witness how badly people treat people who aren’t just like them. People who had problems or addictions were treated worse than the sidewalk that they walked on. He kept walking and receiving many dirty looks from people passing by. He saw a couple of his old friends, whom he had neglected for a long time. He didn’t ever know that they actually did care for him, because he would never listen to them. They all started to talk to him, and he casually talked for a couple minutes and continued walking. As he continued on his walk, a girl and a slightly older guy were walking towards him. He noticed how pretty she was, and gave a shy smile. The other guy got angry at him for doing so, and started yelling at him. He didn’t hesitate in fighting him, and within two minutes, the other guy was lying on the ground bleeding. He just continued walking and didn’t even stop for a minute and look back. As he kept walking, he saw children playing outside with each other in their front lawns and he remembered how he never had that as a child. A parent pulled their child away from the road when he walked by, and he felt so intimidating around people. He continued walking and saw two elderly women standing beside an old wooden house. They both stared and pointed him as he walked by. He couldn’t even feel alone anymore, he just felt empty. His inner pain had been numbed away over the years, and he could hardly feel anything at all. He stopped at a park and sat on an old wooden bench. Everything was so bleak, and fake. It all could have been some really well drawn out picture that he was looking at – or was this real life? The sky was faded to a misty light blue laced with an ashy grey. The grass was a bland green color, and it faded into shimmering sketches of houses. His world was so much different now; nothing really had any meaning to him, except the meaning of nothing. He remembered all the days he spent in his life, doing absolutely nothing. Or when he was arrested 7 times for break-and-enter and assault while trying to get money. He remembered all the times he got away with it, and how much money he’d stolen from people over the years. He remembered how much his father didn’t care about him, and how he had no one there for him because he let them all go. He couldn’t feel emotions anymore. The only feelings he could get were blank, or cravings. He was programmed to know where things were; he didn’t actually have a mind to remember. He never had thought about the future, ever. He only lived for the present, what ever happened, happened – and what didn’t, didn’t. He didn’t care about any mistakes of the past; he didn’t even want to remember his past. His mother was still in the hospital, the doctors said she had a week to live now. He couldn’t even feel scared for her, because he felt like he had lost her so long ago. He couldn’t remember a time when she wasn’t sick, when she could actually spend time with him, and teach him what to do in life. The last words he ever heard her say to him were “Why did I raise such a f*** up,” when he was 15. He hardly even knew his siblings, they were hardly ever home, and two of them ended up running away before they even turned 10. Yet he was the one who stayed. He didn’t realize what he could have done different, because he never thought into the future to think about the consequences. He decided to walk home to look and see if there was any food in the house. The sky was darkening slowly, and the streetlights turned on. As he continued walking, he saw the group of teenagers walking towards him. He realized he knew them all; they were more of his friends that he used to hang out with, before he dropped them. “Whoa, man I never see you around anymore! What’ve you been doing?” Said one of them. “Nothing. Literally.” He said. “You still get high?” They asked. “Well, that’s implied.” He said, as he looked down, ashamed. He wanted to hate the fact that he had to get high to not feel a hallowing depression, but he couldn’t hate anything. He wished he knew how to breathe in clean air, and to not exhale intoxicated breath. He didn’t know how to change his life - he couldn’t even imagine change. He didn’t know where to turn, because he didn’t want to know anyone anymore. “Well, we’re partying… want to come?” They said. He hated partying, he didn’t like being around anyone who hadn’t done what he’d done. He felt like everyone was judging him for what he did, and how he would be so much more different than everyone, that people would point it out. As he approached the house, he saw that it was gone. All that remained was ashes, and smoldered timbers that were once his house. The entire house had burnt to the ground; nothing had survived at all. He wondered if his father was in the house when it happened, or if he would ever see his father again. He didn’t care either way, but now he had nowhere to stay.  He kept walking down the street as if he hadn’t just witnessed seeing his house burnt down. There was a convenience store up ahead and he decided to go in and look for phone numbers in the phone book. He couldn’t remember many last names so he wasn’t sure who to call. He remembered his old friend Jimmy’s last name so he looked him up and called him. Jimmy said he could stay with him for a couple weeks while he was still living at his house. He was being evicted from his house and had to be out by the end of the month. When he got to Jimmy’s he realized how run down and shabby everything looked. He felt like he fit in, like he was meant to be in that area. He knocked on the door and was greeted by a girl. She had ratty black hair with light blonde roots, and looked like she was high on crack. “Where’s Jimmy?” He said. “Inside.” She said as she let him in. The house was covered in old, rotten food, garbage, and other random things. “Hey buddy. You look a lot different than I remember you… last I seen you, you had short hair – all brushed back kinda, and you always wore tee-shirts. I see you’ve upgraded to long sleeve.” Jimmy said, as he laughed while lighting a cigarette. “Yeah, that’s right I guess.” He said as he stared at his feet. “Well, you can stay here for a bit I guess. Till we get kicked out.” So he decided to stay, since he had nowhere else to go. “Here’s your room. Yeah, it’s a little shabby but it’ll do.” Jimmy said as he led him into a small, messy room. There was a dirty mattress lying on the floor, covered in tattered blankets. “Um, there might be cockroaches in here but just sweep them away with that broom over there or something. As for the rats, they don’t really come out of the walls unless you leave food around.” Jimmy said as he chuckled a bit. The room looked worse than a prison cell. He figured, he’d rather be in a cell than in that room, but the circumstances would be much worse. “OH. We’re leaving for a bit, if the cops come… leave. They don’t know where we are, and I’d like it if it stayed that way.” Jimmy said as he walked out the door with his girlfriend. He was now in this house, all alone. This house was the definition of trash. Trash was everywhere. There were empty cans in the kitchen cupboards, banana peels lying on the floor, broken glass sitting on the counter. He hated being there, but it reminded him a lot of one cold house that he knew so well – home. He walked into what was supposed to be the living room, and sat down on a broken sofa. He put his face in his palms and just sat there. About half an hour later, he heard a loud knock at the door. He got up and quickly looked out the window, only to see three cop cars parked outside the door. He immediately ran out the backdoor and ran as fast as he could down the back alley. He stopped running when he saw yet another cop car pull in, and quickly ducked under a fence and walked through the back yard of an abandoned duplex. He didn’t even stop to look back… he just kept walking. Cops were everywhere, he counted five as he walked on the main road, and they were all driving the same way. He didn’t know what Jimmy could have done to have so many cops after him, but he assumed it must have been really bad. Jimmy was always in trouble, whether it was with his parents, teachers, police, or any form of authority. Jimmy truly didn’t care about authority. He would do things that he knew he would go to jail for, just to get a rise from it. They used to go to elementary school together, and Jimmy was expelled for beating up his principal and stealing over $1000 of the school’s money. It was dark now, and the streetlights were all that he could see. Sometimes he wondered how it felt to see through the eyes of an angel. To never be tempted to do anything wrong, to never make any mistakes. To only say the right thing, and to never be wrong. To never get addicted to anything, and to never feel anything but happiness. He couldn’t even imagine his own life past where he was at that very moment. Every step he took was an unexpected one. A woman was walking towards him; he could see her so clearly, walking with a murky, shadowed background behind her. “Excuse me, do you have any extra change? I need to catch the bus,” She asked, with a polite smile on her face. “No. I don’t. Sorry, ma’am.” He said as he came to a stop, and just stood before her. “Oh… that’s alright I guess. I don’t even need to be home for a while anyways. I haven’t been in this area before. Do you live around here?” She asked. “Yeah, kind of. Well I’m not really staying anywhere anymore.” He said, with a straight face. He hated to open up to strangers. He would keep things as big as his house being burnt down, a secret. “Oh? Do you need somewhere to stay? If you don’t mind me asking.” She said with a smile. “I’ll find something probably. It’s not really too cold out.” “You mean you’re going to stay outside? Why would you want to do that?” She asked, in shock. “It’s not as bad as everyone thinks. Plus, I don’t really sleep much so it’s not a problem for me.” He said as he began to stare at his feet, realizing what he had just said. “No, no. That won’t do. I hope this doesn’t sound strange to you, but I wouldn’t mind it if you stayed at my house. I live up north, about 20 minutes from here. I have a guest room you could stay in.” She said. He didn’t know what it was about her, but there was something different about her. She had wavy, dark brown hair that went to her shoulders. Her skin was perfectly clear, and her bright blue eyes just seemed to radiate hope. He didn’t even know why - he’d never even seen her before. He couldn’t understand how she could wear such a bright smile. She seemed almost perfect. He didn’t feel that he should even be standing in front of her – he felt like such a sick person. “You probably wouldn’t want me to…” He said, as he looked down again. “I do, well only if you’d like to. I don’t want to force you to, if you don’t want to.” She said as she laughed a little. “I guess that would be okay.” He said. “Okay, well since neither of us have any money – I’m going to call my sister and ask her if she can pick us up.” She said as she whipped out a flashy new-looking cell phone. As she called her, he thought about how much money she probably had – and then instantly felt guilty about thinking that. Any time he had the opportunity to steal money, he would. The woman’s sister pulled up a couple minutes later. “Hi.” She said, in a very short voice. He was used to people talking to him in tones like that. He assumed that she would probably talk the woman out of letting him stay there. He didn’t care, part of him just wanted to get as much stuff from her house and then leave – but part of him wanted to forget his past, and just take this as an opportunity to finally change, even though he didn’t know how to. After about 20 minutes, they pulled up to her house. It was quite big – a lot bigger and fancier than any house he had ever seen. “Well, we’re here.” Said the woman as she got out of the car. They all walked up to the front door. As they walked in, he stopped and was amazed by how huge the house was. It looked like a castle, or something out of a magazine. “Follow me, I’ll show you around.” She said, as her sister walked off somewhere in the house. She showed him almost every room on the first floor. “There’s also a basement, and a floor upstairs – but we use the main floor the most.” The house amazed him, how big it was – and how luxurious it was. He couldn’t understand why a person who had so much would ask someone like him to stay with them. He walked silently around the living room, just looking at how large it was, and how everything seemed to look so perfect. “I’m going to go set up the guest room for you, so feel free to make yourself comfortable. If you want to watch TV, the remote is on the coffee table – and help yourself to anything in the fridge.” Said the woman as she walked down the hall. He sat down on one of the soft leather couches, and stared at the remote. He hadn’t sat down to watch TV – ever. Or at least not that he could remember. He realized that he didn’t even know the woman’s name – and she didn’t know his. He picked up the remote and turned on the TV. He had no idea how to change the channel, so he just watched the show that was already on. It was about people who survived heavy drug addictions, and how they were able to change their lives around to become extremely successful. He found it so hard to believe at first, how someone like him could ever change and become successful, until he saw a man who had a similar past that he did. The man’s name was Tim, he was addicted to heroin in his teen years, but managed to break that addiction, and eventually went back to high school in his adult years and ended up attending university. He ended up becoming the top manager of a large chain of hotels, and traveled across North America talking to people about drugs and addiction. “I’m glad you’ve found something to watch – your room is set up now, incase you don’t remember – it’s the last door on the right.” The woman chimed in as she walked by. “Thanks, by the way – what’s your name? I mean, like what would you like me to call you?” He asked. “Oh dear! I’m so sorry for not introducing myself properly early. My name is Sue Ricci. You can call me Sue.” She smiled as she reached her hand out to shake his. He smiled a little, as he shook her hand firmly. “But if you will excuse me, I have some very important papers to fill out – I’ll be in my office if you need me. There’s an intercom in here too, over by the fireplace. Just page the office.” She said in a hurry as she walked off again before he could even say his name. He sat back on the couch. The same show was still on, and that’s when he watched the story about a woman named Becky. Both of her parents died when she was a baby, so another family adopted her. They ended up abandoning her when she was 9, when they all got on a plane to move half way across the country. She was homeless for about a year, and ended up joining a gang that did petty crimes around the city. The next year, she was taken in by a man, who ended up being a pimp. She wasn’t even enrolled in elementary school, and as far as the system was concerned – she didn’t even exist. Her only way to make money was to be a prostitute, and she began using her money to support her addiction to cocaine and crystal meth. She was only 11 years old when she was kidnapped. She was brutally beaten and raped repeatedly, and was held hostage for a month. She ended up smashing through the wood that covered her window and escaped. She continued her prostituting career for several years afterwards, and by the time she reached age 17 she was almost deathly ill. She was found lying unconscious in an alleyway and rushed to the hospital. She hardly ever ate, since she never felt hungry due to all the drugs she would take. Her body was so skinny and misshapen, and covered in scars, cuts, and bruises. She was in the hospital for a month, and then was sent to a rehab center. She ended up enrolling in an online school when she was living at a women’s home, and finished up both her elementary and high school grades, and ended up going to University to become a doctor. He was amazed that someone who was once like that, could end up being as successful as those who had their life simply handed to them. “Would you like anything to eat? I’m making lasagna right now,” said Sue. “I guess so.” He replied as he stood up, with his head hung low and his hair in his face. “What would you like? Pizza? Salad? Soup? Anything?” She asked as he walked into the kitchen. “Sure. Whatever you want, I’ll eat most things.” He said. “Okay, well I can get you some lasagna later on when it’s finished cooking.” She said. He was the only person who could sit and do absolutely nothing, without being bored. He could sit somewhere for hours, and not even care. He just sat back on the couch and stared at the TV. All he could think about was what he was doing, where he was, and why he was there. He couldn’t figure out why he was in that house, owned by a woman who seemed to have nothing wrong in her life. He wondered if anything bad had ever happened to her, or was her life just perfect? He looked behind him to see her calmly walk by a couple times, holding different things each time. She didn’t seem to have any worries, or any problems at all. He could hardly bare his own mind – how he knew that someone took him in, but he so badly wanted to remain the same. He wanted to just numb all of his pain away, but at the same time he wanted to feel all the pain of everything he once felt. He had made his mind up, that if someone were to come to him with any kind of drug, he would take it. He wanted to change himself so badly, but thought that he was already too far-gone and it wouldn’t matter if he did now or not. Sue came back into the room a while later and took the lasagna out of the oven. “It’s done, do you want some?” She asked while cutting it. “Sure.” He said as he slowly walked over to her. She led him over to the large oak table where he sat. “No one’s home tonight. My sister lives here, my daughter lives here, and so do my parents. They can be quite opinionated, so when you meet them – don’t take what they say to heart.” Sue said. “Alright.” He said, as he sulked in his chair and stared at his food. “So, tell me about yourself.” She said as she sat down across from him at the table. “Like, things I like?” He asked in a hesitating voice. “Yeah, or like anything.” She said. He didn’t know what to tell her, because he didn’t know what she already thought of him. “Well, I don’t really do much. I don’t go to school or anything. I used to work at a fry place but I haven’t gone in a while, so I’m pretty sure I was fired or something.” He mumbled as he began to eat. “Oh, did you graduate already?” She asked. “No,” he awkwardly looked down again. “I was expelled when I was 14, but never went back after. I didn’t like school.” The room filled with silence. He could tell she didn’t know what to say to that. “Do you plan on finishing up your credits?” “Maybe. I never really felt the need to learn any of that, so I don’t know. I guess I’ll have to if I want a real job or something one day.” “Well, while you’re here – I wouldn’t mind showing you some online credit courses or anything if you’re interested.” She said. “I guess that’d be ok.” He said. He didn’t want to do any sort of schoolwork, but he knew that he really should if he wanted to get anywhere. He finished up his food and put away his plate. “I know it’s early – but I’m going to bed now. I have to get up at 4am tomorrow.” Sue said as she put all the dishes into the dishwasher. “Could you start the dishwasher?” “I don’t know how to, I’ve never used one before.” He said. “Oh, never mind, I’ll have Amy do it when she gets home. You know where to find me if you need me, I’ll see you tomorrow.” She said as she walked off. He had no idea what rich people did when they were at home. He decided that he was going to go for a walk. As he began walking towards the front door, he noticed a small table. There was a drawer underneath, and he decided to look inside it to see if there was anything interesting. As he opened the drawer, he saw keys, letters, and random things. Hidden underneath all of that, lay a wad of $20 bills. He didn’t even hesitate to grab it, and walked quickly to the door. Once he made it outside, he realized that he had no idea where he was. He started walking the way he thought was right, until he stopped at a convenience store to figure out where to go. He wasn’t used to being in the rich end of town, and didn’t realize how much he didn’t fit in. When he walked into the convenience store, all of the eyes of the people inside were staring right at him. He was oblivious to it at first, but after a minute or two he noticed. He approached the cashier. The cashier was staring at him the entire time, and gave him a dirty look when he came to the register. “Where is Hampton Street from here?” He asked her. “Uh…Hampton? I don’t know. Is it around here?” She asked in a rude voice. “No, it’s like 20 minutes away.” He said. He held his head low, and kept his hair in his face and only brushed it aside when talking to people. “Uh, I’ll check.” She said as she grabbed one of the maps on the rack beside the register. “Hah, it’s in the ghetto.” She responded while chuckling a little. “No shit. I just want to know how to get there.” He said. He didn’t like people who talked like that cashier; fake, dumb, and rich. “Go down 173^rd street till you get to 99^th Avenue. Then just walk till you see it. I guess.” She said in a careless voice. He turned, walked away, and left the store. 173^rd street was an extremely long street. He hadn’t even walked down all of it before, but he knew that it never seemed to end. It was about 40 minutes later when he reached Hampton Street and it was very dark. He liked walking in the dark. He walked further down the street and stopped in front of an overly run down house. The siding, once painted dark blue – had either faded to pale white, or chipped to the rotten wood beneath. He knew this house well. Almost as well as he knew the house he once lived in. He had many memories, all of the same thing. He could remember his repeated sense of deja vu he felt every time he walked up those rotting wooden front steps. He remembered all the nights where his father would throw fits, and he would run to this house to sleep. He walked to the front door, and opened the broken front door. Everything had been as it was when he was last there. There were three dirty couches placed in a triangle in the front room. In the middle of the couches sat a small table.  On that table sat an old bong, lots of bottles, cigarette butts, and needles. The floor was covered in dirty clothes, towels, blankets, and garbage. The house had a very strange aroma throughout it. It wasn’t just one distinct smell, more like a whole bunch all combined. A shaggy, scrawny man walked through the hall towards him. “Whoa, now here’s someone I haven’t heard from in forever!” The man said while laughing. “Yeah, man. Thought I would come pay a visit.” He said. The man’s name was Vinnie DeMarco. He was once a millionaire, but gave everything up when he got addicted to heavy drugs. “Well, what’s going on?” Vinnie asked. “Nothing. I’m staying with a rich chick though. Like, as of today. She randomly started talking to me, and asked if I had a place to stay and stuff. I knew she’d have money though, I got this.” He said as he pulled all the money out of his pocket. “How much?” Vinnie asked. “$120.” He replied. “Nice, nice. You can buy a lot with that.” “I know.” “You want anything?” Vinnie asked. He looked down at his feet, and pondered. He had a feeling that he never felt before, the feeling of guilt. He remembered all of the things that had happened that day, and how unusually nice it made him feel. He was content with being sober, but yet he still wanted to get high. He could almost feel half of his body telling him to just put the money back into the drawer where he found it, and the other half telling him to just get high again. “Maybe in a bit.” He said. He never felt an urge telling him not to get high before, he couldn’t understand why. He sat and talked to Vinnie for about an hour and then decided to just go back home. His conscience had never spoken to him before, and now it was almost screaming at him. He could almost feel some sort of remorse; he could almost feel some sort of emotion. When he reached the house again, he decided to not put the money back incase he changed his mind later. He went straight to his new room. The bed was made, perfectly. He hadn’t actually slept in a real bed since he was a young child. He took off his shoes and lay in his bed, thinking about all the things he could have done that day but chose not to. His own thoughts eventually lulled him into a deep sleep. He slept all night and woke up feeling so much better than he had in a long time. The next few days of his life followed just like that one. He would eat, watch TV, go for a walk without a real purpose, and then go to sleep. A week later, Sue woke him up in a rush. He opened his eyes, only to see her with tears in her eyes. “What? What’s wrong?” He asked. “I have to go to the hospital right now…Amy! She was hit by a car,” She said as she continued to cry. “They said she’s in fatal condition.” All the sudden, his heart sank immensely. He didn’t ever want to see Sue like this, but he didn’t know what to do because he thought that no one was ever there for him. He was speechless, and he couldn’t think of anything else to say except “I’m so sorry, Sue.” “Would you like to come with me? No one else is in town right now, and I would really appreciate it.” She said as she sunk her face into a tissue. “Yeah, of course I’ll go.” He said as he got out of bed. They both rushed to the car and went to the hospital. When they got to the room, the already-teary Sue completely broke down again. “Please God, don’t let her die.” She repeated over and over. He could see Amy, lying in a hospital bed, covered in bandages, and on life support. He had seen people like this before, but never felt as sympathetic as he did right then. They stood there for a couple minutes. The room was filled with nothing but the sound of crying. “Mrs. Ricci? I’m afraid I have terrible news.” Said the doctor, in an extremely grim and chilling voice. He looked at Sue, who couldn’t have looked any sadder. He walked over to her and put his arm around her in hopes that he could help her feel better a little. “She’s not expected to live any longer than an hour or two. Her chances of surviving that time space are extremely slim, and even if she does – she isn’t stable enough to live much longer.” The doctor said. “No… no, not now. No…” Sue managed to slip out while sobbing. “If you would like to go and see her you can.” The doctor said. They both followed him into the room. “I’m sorry but we ask that you don’t touch her please, she has very deep wounds and any sort of germ could make her condition worse.” The doctor said. Sue sat in a chair beside Amy’s bed and talked to her while still crying. After about 20 minutes, the doctor asked them to leave the room so they went and sat in the waiting room. Sue couldn’t hold herself together, so he tried to comfort her as much as he knew how to. An hour passed, still no word from the doctor. Sue began praying quietly. An hour and a half passed by, and the doctor still hadn’t come and talked to them. Half an hour later, the doctor returned. “She didn’t make it. I’m sorry.” The doctor said with a sad look on his face. Sue was still crying. He stared at the roof, in pure horror. He had only known Amy and Sue for a week – but he couldn’t help but feel horrible about what had happened to someone with such a kind heart towards him.  Sue’s entire family all gathered together within a couple of hours, and he returned to the house. Things in that house were very grim for the next couple of weeks. He began realizing that his craving to get high wasn’t always the main focus of his thinking. He hardly even thought about himself at all. Although he never really had much of a family, he could see how close Sue’s family was. Since Sue and her family weren’t around a lot, he decided to occupy his time by doing online classes and looking for a job. To his surprise, he ended up getting a job at a mechanic shop. Time began to go by quickly. He was still living with Sue, and they had become good friends. He ended up staying at her house for a year afterwards, until he moved out on his own. He started going to a learning center to continue on school. He talked to Sue quite often still, and liked to think of her as the mom he wished he had. He managed to stay completely drug free for that whole time, and he decided to start writing again like he did when he was younger. He wrote a book called ‘Hope for the helpless.’ He wanted to inspire people to keep hope, even when things couldn’t be any worse. He wrote about Sue, and how much she helped him change his life around – without her even knowing how much of an impact she was making on him. One day, he sat down in his living room – and remembered that first time that he sat down on Sue’s couch, feeling so mixed up – so confused. He felt so much different now. He was very close to finishing up his last year of high school, had a job that had exceptional pay, and met many new people. He published his book, and several more years later. Although he liked most of the writing he did, he somehow was able to remember a small part of something he wrote when he was a child,

           

Good morning sunny skies

            Your face is hidden by a cloud of lies

            But don’t give in

            Don’t give up hope

            Don’t give up a thing.

Adequate and prominent, where are you?

The grass never more green,

The sky never more blue

Birds sing songs only symmetry can pronounce

Trees’ leaves gather and float unannounced

Not a cloud to be seen

Not a picture more true

Hear the butterflies whispering softly

The water ripples so calm

City lights could never be further away

The most intricate painting could not impersonate

I cannot begin to delineate the most beautiful of days

The sounds of laughter waft through the air

No trace of houses or buildings anywhere

Can the sun shine brighter than her eyes?

Will the evanescent time slow down and change?

A robin resting in her nest, tells her own to be free

Not too long ago, that robin was like me

I felt so high, so immune to all lies

And fell in love and became something strange

A perplexed, innocent flower

Growing in a garden with a gardener, so deranged

In a world where the mighty lions run free without a doubt

And the baby rabbits roam dispersed throughout

I’ll never forget such a glorious place

Where I thought I was, when I laid eyes on her pretty face

Skies never so blue, colors never so bright

Vivacious harmonies with visible notes

Never will I forget this day

Everything so clear, until she turned and walked away

Daylight and its perfect wonders will turn to night

I’ll still remember those words she once spoke

“Can anyone tell me where the bus stop is?” A small man yelled at me as he began to hastily walk my way. “No, sir I’m sorry. I’m new to this place too. In fact, I hardly know where anything around here is. The only places I really know around here is my son’s school, the grocery store, and my house – and they’re all on the same street.” I said as I looked down at my feet. “Oh, that’s quite alright. I guess that makes two of us. I moved here a couple days ago for work, but I hardly know anything more than the name of this town! Benvidon...” He said with a sigh. It was a cold, autumn day – I was not used to this chilly weather at all. All these buildings everywhere were boggling my mind. “There are so many buildings here – everywhere! I could get so lost if I actually went to places not on this street.” I said. “Well, there aren’t really a whole lot here, compared to Preton where I used to live... now there are a lot of buildings. I could lose myself within five minutes of walking. Everything there looks exactly the same no matter where you were, no matter how long you’ve lived there it never changes.” I looked around and I felt almost lost and I hadn’t even moved at all. “This is a peculiar place, but I’m sure it’s going to be alright once I get used to it. I’ve never seen so many things look the same.” “Yes, and I have been trying to find the bus stop for ever! I wonder if there’s anyone who could tell me where the nearest bus stop is though.” Said the other man as he began to frantically look around. There was no one in sight at all; it was almost like we were in some weird sort of game – where we were the only ones around. I felt that way when I dropped my son off at his school, there was no one else there walking towards the school – no one around the school. Cars were in the parking lot, but no one was in them. I would see people at the grocery store, but none of them even seemed real. I could feel this strange tension between everyone I could see. Like they were just there to make you mad, or they just didn’t care about you at all. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something didn’t seem right. Maybe I was just being judgmental; maybe people are just different here. I could never understand why people couldn’t all just get along, why there are conflicts in the world – why is there so much hatred? These are things I have always wished to be able to erase in the world. How there are so many hypocrites who just want peace, but yet they are the ones who start the fights? I could just go back in time a little, and maybe I could find myself in a happier place. I was put here for some reason I don’t know, I didn’t know why I had to come to this place. All these things were filling up my mind as I looked at the small man as he just walked away from me, and didn’t even say good-bye. My son’s school was about to get out so I decided to walk over to get him. As I approached the school, I saw three teenaged boys standing around a smaller boy. I couldn’t take my eyes off it, something didn’t seem right about that. I looked down for about a second and looked up and saw the older boys beating on the younger one. I immediately ran closer only to realize that was my own son who had just been thrown to the ground. I felt this feeling I had never felt before, I don’t even know what it could be called. It was a horrible, gut-wrenching feeling. A feeling where I just wanted to curse at them, and come over there and throw them to the ground and show them that they can’t do that to my son. They looked at me, running towards them, and immediately ran off in a different direction. “Farris! Farris! Oh my goodness, are you all right? I can’t believe I just saw that happen... what kind of teen in their right mind does that to you? Nonetheless anyone? What are their names? I will go report them.” I said, in a very strange tone. That gut-wrenching feeling was taking over me, I had never felt this way in my life. “I’m okay, I think... I was just walking, and they followed me and then trapped me. I don’t know what I did to make them like that.” He said as he looked up at me. “What happened to your eyes? Why is there water in them?” I was very concerned; his face looked almost the same as before, except for this water that was streaming out of his eyes. I had never seen anything like it before. “I don’t know why this is happening to me! I don’t really feel that bad, I just feel weird now. I don’t know where this water came from. I feel this strange feeling I have never felt before… is there something wrong with me?” My son wailed as he looked up at me with his big blue eyes, filled with that estranged emotion I couldn’t describe. A man with a very straight look on his face began to walk towards us. I watched as he continued getting closer and closer until he stopped right before me. “I saw what just happened... son, are you alright? Don’t worry about those boys anymore. I know who they are and they will be getting arrested as soon as we are able to locate them. Police are out looking for them as we speak.” He said. “Police?” I said, in a questioning voice. I felt embarrassed a little, how I didn’t even know what they were. I felt so odd, like as if I was just born into the world. “Well... yeah, how are you feeling son? It looked like quite the beat down, I was teaching my class and saw it – I paged the office immediately, and I tried to leave my class to come and break it up! My class is quite rowdy, they started to cause problems the second I was about to leave them.” He said, seeming very concerned. “Yeah, I guess I’m okay now. I didn’t even know what to do... that’s never happened to me before. I’ve never felt like that before, I couldn’t even respond. There were so many more of them – and they’re big. I couldn’t have done anything if I tried.” My son said. “Those boys are complete trouble. They’ve got a history of doing this in the past. Attacking the more defenseless or one person alone who they know won’t be able to fight back. They’ve got criminal records for assault; we try to keep a close watch on them, but sometimes they somehow manage to slip under our radar. We’ll keep a close watch on you too – to make sure you’re safe from them incase they ever try to taunt you again. Don’t have any worries. We want you to be safe here.” I didn’t understand what he meant by worry. Maybe that’s what I was feeling, I didn’t know what that emotion was called – but I didn’t really want to ask. “Thank you very much, sir. I feel a whole lot better now, knowing that Farris will be in good hands here. I don’t want anything to happen to him...” I looked down at Farris. He seemed to be trembling as he just stared at the man. “That’s good, every student here deserves to be safe. I’m Mr. Harrison, by the way. It’s very nice to meet you. I’m assuming you’re new to the area?” He asked as he reached out his hand to shake mine. “Yes, we’re quite new here actually. Still trying to get used to this, it’s very complicated. I haven’t really been off this one street yet, but I find everything so confusing. I can hardly find my way down this street without getting lost.